Queer Dating

Wine or Beers

2010-04-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

Back from a long hiatus and I have no real good reason for being gone... I'm job hunting still and trying to get back into the swing of writing. My GF has been bugging me and bugging me to read some lesbian lit and I've held off since I'm not really a romance novel type.

Anyway, I kind of know Georgia Beers so I thought I'd see how her writing style has progressed. I have to admit I'm pretty impressed. The book Hollis pushed toward me, "Finding Home," touched on a number of issues I wouldn't have expected.

She made a point about breast cancer without going into the drama and seriousness. I mean that in a really good way. It was brought up showing there is hope for survivors. It was a reminder, without focusing her book on the issue. That would be another book.

Me and my girlfriend picked up on a bit of class separation. Not just the obvious customer service worker versus a corporate professional differences, but she included simple cues such as the choice of a drink. In Rochester, NY the wage earner's are more apt to order a beer, while the office dwellers lean toward cocktail culture and wine. You'll find them at happy hour still in work clothes ordering a Bombay and tonic, not just gin and tonic, but Bombay Sapphire. Then the usual who will go camping at a nearby park versus traveling outside the county and staying in hotel suites.

Now toss in some top and bottoms, education bias and living situation bias handled without being too blunt about it and you've got a good read. A lot of this is not news to me, but for newly out or even new to lez lit its a rare to find these topics. Rarer to find them handled well.

cheers to Beers

If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, by Cecelia Ahern

Are you still having Sex

2009-12-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

UBNice asked in a comment "Oh wise Sensi just what amount of sex is appropriate for a couple?"

Of course, that is up to each couple. I'm guessing you're reading because one person is more, ahem active than another. This could be nothing to worry about. I've also noticed it's not always the same person. The activity charm will swap back and forth between partners at times and with any luck you'll be in sync sometimes too. Kind of like how your cycles sync up now and then. Hmm wonder if that's related.

If the charm is always with one person there are a couple ideas I've heard. First try to figure out why. Money, family, work, will Kim and Nene or Jaison an John ever get along? Too much stress, is made worse when being nagged about not enough sex.

Try no pressure dates, dinner and a long walk, pizza and a movie, anything where you end up home and can cuddle a bit. No expectations! Let her just be with you without pressure. Hopefully after a few she'll start to relax on date night. Better, she may initiate.

Also, the de-charmed one should try to change her thinking from, "I don't want to have sex," to "I'm not totally against it." Relax and go with it, once you get started...

Forget how often, the bigger issue is when there is no sex and no one cares. My thoughts are if you can't remember the last time and don't really care when the next time is, it may be time to rethink things. Again, if everyone is happy with no charms, OK. Just don't be surprised if someone runs off with the hotty at the birthday party.

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.
~ Marlene Dietrich (sound)

Turkey Day in LA

2009-12-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

A bit late on the updates. Can I blame too much turkey? How about blaming too much pie? Yes, I had apple and pumpkin. My stomach was still hurting but you never know when the next chance to get pumpkin pie will come along.

Ok let's pretend I don't live near House of Pies. Well, honestly their pie quality has deteriorated recently.

I got a text from our neighborhood host, Mike, asking if we wanted to join in on a T-day potluck. Not having any family under 3K miles away, we were home. I was literally looking up the phone number for Hamburger Mary's to make reservations when I got the news.

The crew in the picture is the main group that came and had our food ready on time. I brought plates, h brought sweet potato casserole. Think of sweet potato made to taste like a desert. It hd pecans, cinnamon and just a touch of cocnut. Me, Keith were going to keep it to our selves, but Mark kept breaking the silence. Oh well.

Lots of food, Mike did the turkey and stuffing. The table had bread and cheese, green beans (with the mushroom soup etc), corn, mash potatoes, cranberry and oh bread pudding came late. Oh yes and there was warm-ish apple pie with French vanilla ice cream. I decided I couldn't wait for the apple pie to warm up so started on the pumpkin. There was some awesome 2 types of squash thing. I took the leftovers of that one. Good food, probably more I can't remember, oh a salad.

For the drinks Nancy I think it was, brought some Hemp Ale that went over like a brick. Eh she brought it thinking it might be festive to try, and she didn't stay for the food sooo. I think there was wine and of course just a little Bulleit.

Good times. Good times.

What's this have to do with dating? Not much, but get a group around a table who are mostly single and bad dates and bad boyfriend/girlfriend stories appear. Makes you glad to be single, or if not single makes you happy the girl you have is no where near as crazy. *wink*

But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie;
Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!
~ Margaret Junkin Preston
(sorry best link I could find, she's not in wiki)

Love over the Miles

2009-11-25T06:51:00.000-08:00

I've been asked how to make long distanced relationships work. My standard answer is, nothing. Personally I tried it and it didn't work so I'll admit I'm jaded.

My little journey into a long distance relationship was doomed. We had known each but not very well. BING, red flag number one. She was fresh out of a relationship that didn't work out. BING, red flag number two. I'm pretty sure her last few relationships had issues with fidelity. BING, red flag number three. Finally we had only "dated" for barely two weeks.

What was I thinking? I wasn't in a good place at all. I was in the middle of grad school. She was in no place to move financially. We told ourselves she would move out in a year. I forget what was at the end of a year. But yeah, this one was doomed so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I think fidelity even being women and not men is a hard thing to ask for if you're going to be apart for... more than a month. You have to decided for yourself the length of time. Sooo, let's say anything more than 2 or 3x as often as you have sex. If you are having sex less than once every two months, might want to wake up. You're roommates.

Unless you live in a remote area like Vermont, there are lots of chances to hang out with totally available women. Best friends, ex-lovers, women who like to comfort you but have a bit of a boundary issue are all potentials for a snap. It's too easy to have a fight and get even.

Those are my main issues, just two. Lack of intimacy and lack of companionship. Skype, text all you want nothing replaces the warm body lying next to you.

Here is an article that offers another view point. I'd love to hear your opinions or experiences with long distance relationships. Has anyone survived one and for how long? I know many people meet online living in different towns.

Me and my girl lived a train and a bus ride away, but Manhattan to Brooklyn isn't a long distance. The Q to the M14 bus was about 40minutes, but you couldn't get too many places in under 40minutes.

Long Distance Lesbian
Tips for Lesbian Long Distance Relationships
By Kathy Belge, About.com Guide

It's astonishing what some women will put up with just to have a warm body. Some of the brightest women I know are just obsessed with that search. It's very sad.
~ Judith Rossner

Technorati

2009-11-24T20:29:00.001-08:00

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The Battle Over Gay Teens

2009-11-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

Not sure how I found this, but looking for jobs I ran into a link to this article. From Time Mag online, The Battle Over Gay Teens

I started "queer dating" at 15, but that was in 1984. It's good to see more than just that one bartender at Marcello's is looking out for baby-dykes and baby-fags.

In 1997 there were approximately 100 gay-straight alliances (GSAs)--clubs for gay and gay-friendly kids--on U.S. high school campuses. Today there are at least 3,000 GSAs-

Comments, stories from the peanut gallery?

The city of Oz is now everywhere. It's in every high school.
~ Michael Glatze

quote from article

2 People 1 Relationship

2009-11-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

As the Moving or Cleaning saga rages on it got me thinking about how relationships often have two personalities.

Our neighbors have the dynamics we do. One is a little more high strung, note that is from my perspective. My other half is apt to be a bit bitchy to get things done. I'm more inclined to be calm and try to reason with people.

The neighbors got a new apartment. So far all I have gotten is excuses, but I'm curious to see if my relaxed manner actually gets the problem fixed. Although I'm sure my GF would rather be moved into a bigger apartment.

Having two different personalities can cause conflicts or complement. Which happens really depends on the individuals. I've had to learn to not criticism when the other is being what I feel is impatient and bitchy. Took me a while to sit back and let her do her thing. More importantly be thankful when her method works, no matter how we get to the result, we both need to be respectful.

Yes, sometimes her strong response may backfire. Yes, I get walked on. But we never really know which tack would be best, we just need to trust each other and not do the "I told you so." Avoid the knee jerk reaction of "If only you'd done it my way."

You don't know, she doesn't know for a fact if changing methods would have made the result different. What we do know is we can control whether or not one of us is sleeping on the couch. Whether the original problem now becomes a problem between the two of you.

Anyone else in a Mutt and Jeff, Stanley and Ollie or Tom and Jerry relationship?

Everyone wants happiness; nobody wants to suffer. Many problems around us are a mental projection of certain negative or unpleasant things. If we analyze our own mental attitude, we may find it quite unbearable. Therefore, a well-balanced mind is very useful and we should try and have a stable mental state.
~ Dalai Lama

Dating Slut

2009-11-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

Gay men never have a problem with this so I'm not sure why Gay women do. Especially if you are meeting people online I recommend dating more than one person at a time. I'm not saying sleep with everyone, that is up to you, but dating yes.

It's hard to find a match when dating online. When someone shows an interest or responds to your requests, act on it. I'm also OK with not making a point of telling your date you are not exclusive. It should be understood that you are not a couple after a few dates.

Disclosing you are sleeping with others I'm on the fence about. But you need to disclose when you had your last tests. Be safe and be smart, have "the talk" before sex.

If it's been a few years since you've seen a gyno/doc may want to get an exam. Get an AIDS test, most insurances will cover it. Also there are many clinics that provide free tests. Don't think that since you are a lesbian you're safe.

When should you decide if you are dating or not? I can't give you a definite time. It depends on the people, the number of dates, how the dates went etc. At the very least, give it a few weeks.

WARNING: If on the first or second date someone asks if you are dating other people, be honest. This is not an appropriate topic, but there are always exceptions. Watch their reaction.

Do they start asking questions about your other dates? Are there constant digs about anyone else? Are they constantly talking, stressing, proving they are better for you? Real big red flags include, calling all the time, calling often in one day and showing up at your house when not invited. Worse, they surprise you at work for dinner or lunch. Don't mistake someone checking up on you for cute gestures of how much they like you.

I've done this only a few times and my best advice is be honest. If they ask a bit too early, again tell them, but watch out. Especially with online dating, realize people may see if you are still going online. It won't help by lying about it.

Also, if there is a high chance you'll see each other at the bar or just out and about, you need to tell them. Don't rub it in,"I'm seeing Sally Friday." Just say your busy, and again, if they start interrogating you, remind them you've only had a few dates and make a note.

Eddie: [shouting] I DON'T WANT MORE CHOICE, I JUST WANT NICER THINGS.
~ Jennifer Saunders (Absolutely Fabulous)

Dinner with Cute Co-worker

2009-11-11T09:46:00.000-08:00

Q: I think she is straight, but I'd like to date her.

First goal, find out if she is Gay or not. Second, does she have any interest. Remember just because you find out she's Gay, it doesn't mean all lights are green. Also try to be careful if she is a co-worker, she may be in the closet at work.

I strongly suggest bypassing the the dinner date. Going out to dinner is a little forward for someone you don't really know. Actually it's kind of creepy, she'll be able to tell you're hoping it's a date. Keep things light and don't make any plans on the first meeting that are date-like. I've had better luck meeting someone with a group.

Invite her to lunch with some co-workers or friends at first. If you think she may not be out at work, invite a friend who is not a co-worker. That way, she can come out without worrying about work.

If possible have lunch with one or more out Gay people and see how she fits it. Get a few more opinions if she is Gay or not, but proceed as if she is not. Everyone must be appropriate and not make her uncomfortable. Also friends can reign you in when you're being too obviously flirty.

If she is in the closet and wants to stay there, not much you can do. All you can do is provide an opportunity for her to come out.

Ok, say you've determined she is Gay. Now we need to find out if she's interested. I like to have one person, and only one, in the group know about my crush. Have one objective observer whose opinion you can trust. You'll find yourself looking for little actions and giving them meaning. "She passed me the cream and brushed my hand. She likes me." "She sat at the far end of the table and barely looked at me. Stuck up bitch." Your friend knows you and can observe without the rose colored or shit colored glasses.

One time when I was in the "I think I like her, but don't know if she is Gay" situation we went out alone. We went to dinner. I know this breaks all the rules, someone else was supposed to go but bagged at the last minute. I've had teh group turn into a one one one before. A strong sign she is straight and or not interested happens when she says, "well uhm I'm actually tired too." Back to my non-date, even though it was dinner it wasn't was date-like. We both were in the mood for pancakes after taking a class together. Before calss it was the third person's idea to go out for an evening breakfast. During dinner I told her I was Gay and she acted like no big deal. It was as if I told her I died my hair. She laughed and joked around about coming out as straight. Bing... she's worried she is mistaken for being Gay. She won't say it, but...

At some point she asked if I was interested in her? I admitted I thought she was cute and fun to hang around with, but then I lied and said I knew she straight and hadn't really thought about it. I didnt want her to be uncomfortable then or in the future. We had friends in common and were going to be seeing each other fairly often.

A side note, in my experience, if straight women believe you're not interested they almost get offended and wonder "Why not?" This leads to them flirting with you, which I'm all for! Just be real careful flirting back, one over-step and it's all over.

Next, she asked if she unknowingly flirted. As I said, she really wanted to know if she came off as Gay, versus engaging in accidental flirting. I answered her real question and repeated again I thought she was straight. She dropped the subject. I've yet to meet a woman who is really concerned if she might have flirted with another woman, a man, yes, but not a female.

I'd love to hear of stories where you ended up dating your crush.

You live with the fear people might find out. Then you actually have the courage to tell people and they go, I don't think you are gay. It's enough to drive you crazy.
~ Portia De Rossi

Green Monsters

2009-11-10T07:19:00.000-08:00

How do you spot the green monsters? A few simple red flags to watch out for on the first few dates. If you live in a smaller town there is a good chance a previous girlfriend or date will be at the same place.

I suggest not pointing her out, but sometimes it's too late. Does she look over to the other women a lot? Sometimes women are looking to see if they match up, as in are they your type. Most of the time, they are competing.

What exactly is going on in her head is not as important as her response. If she looks over a lot and keeps quiet, yellow flag. It could be anything from curiosity to wondering if she knows the person.

Couple of red flag behaviours to watch out for range from jibes to insults. She should not force you to defend why you dated the person. "What did you see in her?" "You could do so much better?" "Oh look she's doing shooters, how mature." Also any negative comments are bad. "She needs to use the mirror before leaving the house." "What happened to her hair?" Anything petty is sure sign of jealousy.

For all she knows you two are still talking, friends or want to keep things civil. It's happened to me I dated someone quite casually and then my new date decided to dump all the dirt she had on the woman. I admit it was fun getting some dirt, but I felt she went on the offensive pretty harsh. Smart women will just stay out of it.

If you caught a few remarks try to watch for more clues. Does she get mad every time you turn your head away from her? If you said you'd call at 5pm, but don't call until 5:30 does she ballistic? A big red flag, if anytime you check your phone and noticed she called more than twice. Once leave a message and maybe a second time. After that she should relax, you and when call when you're free. Anyone calling over and over is going a bit psycho.

Just remember what ever is going on now will get worse over time. Little remarks may make you feel wanted and special will turn into, "you are mine." Many people make the big mistake of thinking once you are together x amount of time, she'll relax. No, doesn't work that way. Spot the green monster before it grows 10 feet tall.

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
~ Erica Jong

I'm OK with Me Today

2009-11-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

When talking to people I find many have a lack of confidence. Loss of a job, a relationship or home kills self-esteem. Check your attitude.

Focus on the haves and not the have nots. I was single for many years and unable to keep a girlfriend for very long. I was living at home and felt pathetic.

I was discounting important achievements. I had no debt and living at home to save money. No girlfriend but I had a strong support system of friends that would really listen, for hours if needed. I was in school. It's OK to be in progress. No one wants to date someone in the "I should have" mode, be moving forward.

Your homework, wake up everyday and write 5 achievements.
Examples: I have a job. I have an education. I have a place to live. I pay my bills.

Then write 3 affirmations 5 times. (idea pilfered from The Artists Way)
examples: I am strong. I am talented. I am a hard worker

Below are good articles with more affirmations.

Live Strong > Self-Affirmations

The Power of Affirmations
By Remez Sasson

Opportunities come to those who dare. As we risk taking the next right step, the Universe surprises us with its support.
from The Artists Way - Julia Cameron

@ geekyGrrl - Chaz Chastity Bono

2009-11-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

@ geekyGrrl
I'm not sure I can say much about his experience. I can say that when I was younger, high school, I thought I was trans.

I was 14 years old or younger and being Gay was not an option. If I liked girls then I must really be a boy. When I was less than 14 I remember seeing a Phil Donahue show which had a panel of with a Gay man, a Gay woman, a trans man and trans woman.

The audience hated both the Gays. I took one look at the Gay woman and, not sure why, but didn't relate. The trans woman was not very passing and of course the audience decided she was a freak. They trans man was totally passing. He could totally step off the stage and into the audience.

I remember thinking, I must be that. I'm like that guy. I didn't want to be Gay. I saw being trans as a physical and fixable problem. This was early 80s maybe 1980, and being Gay was still a mental disease. I didn't want to be a "broken," that couldn't be fixed. Once I realized Gay was not a disease without a community I was happy. I could be butch as I wanted, have lots of friends and more importantly women would date me.

From what little I know transpeople look at their body and don't relate. They may even hate parts, if not all, of their physical body. Besides wanting to stand up and pee, I've been OK with mine. That is where people don't understand.

Chasity was not happy with her body, but Chaz could be with his. My personal thoughts, for the 10+ years being Gay is now more acceptable, while trans still is not. His wanting to be Gay was no different than my wanting to be trans.

All I know is transitioning is a major life change. People can be Gay for a few years or "one night," and nothing stops them from switching. Once you transition, the game is over. I'd be hard pressed to question anyone's decision to change.

Article in People

The key to change... is to let go of fear.
~ Rosanne Cash

When was your last date?

2009-11-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

I've been here too. Often one of the first questions revolve around how often do you date or when was your last date. Guys can get away with this since unless they are totally burnt from their last lover they are out and about. Especially Gay guys, give them a month and their Grinding. (Grindr he iPhone App for grinding and other in an outdoor games).

The issue is not when the last date was, but how non-datable you've become. If you get very set in your ways, that will make you harder to date.

I hear a lot that driving too far is not worth it. I'm not up for dating someone 100 miles away either. Gas costs too much for that shit. But seriously, are you willing to date someone 30minutes away or only 10 minutes. I suggest as long as the drive is about the same or less than your drive to work, consider it. Unless you live in LA of NYC. A twenty travel can easily become over an hour with traffic, construction, weather or the fargin' Q going local.

Another bad habit is not wanting to go to new places. I am guilty of this. But after living in LA I've been to Vietnamese, French, Japanese and Thai. This may not sound like a big deal, but if you're the person who hates Thai food you won't be invited.

Most places have one dish that is newbie friendly. Even if the food that hits the plate is not your favorite eat a little. Pick at it a bit and be polite. We all know the "I wasn't very hungry," line means, it tasted like dirty socks. I said that once about misu soup. "Tastes like feet." That little comment flew like a rock. I'm not sure if this is true, but I have heard that spending years eating dinner over the sink can create really bad table manners. Mouth closed, please.

Beyond food, don't be afraid of certain movies or activities. I'm not big on board games, bowling, watching football or any sports for that matter but go with it. I've always had a really good time doing things I wouldn't normally do on my own. It's not the game, it's the people.

Prime example, not a big baseball fan, but the neighborhood had a Dodgers BBQ during the world series. I had a great time. Also ended listening to one of the games on the radio. It became a mini-series to me, like Tales of the City. I wanted to find out the ending. I tried to watch the world series on my own the next year, and well I found myself watching Law & Order, an episode from 2003. Again, it's not the game it's the people. Honestly, if the hot girl you like loves book clubs, would you be willing to read a few books? Don't go over-board, you still need to be yourself. Bowling, football, looking at comic books I've done but I wouldn't take up needle point or for me, I wouldn't go camping.

She'll may notice you are not as excited and if asked, admit it's not something you'd normally do, but you'd love to try it. Yes, say "you love to try it." Unless it's something there is no way in hell... Be prepared to suck at it, but just laugh. I haven't played pool since I could get into a bar legally. When a girl wanted to hit a pool hall I said, "dude I'm gonna suck." My first few shots were cool, but the second game was painful. I had to laugh as my stripes just kept rolling around the table.

Try not be real negative about yourself. I've been on dates where the woman went on and on about how she couldn't get dates because she was too old. Don't go over board about how you're heavy, smoke too much or watch too much TV. Then tell the person how any day now you're going to change.

Bad bad bad! Don't tell your date, that if only you had someone in your life you'd be motivated to change. That sounds needy and screams co-dependency. I'll only take care of myself for someone special, but not for myself.

I'm not going to go into you should do it for you.. blah blah. You already know that, and honestly your outlook does change when the life you lead is yours. Just know..People want to be invited into your life. They want to discover you, not have someone build a life around theirs.

Bend a little, Grasshopper. Be like the wind not the uhm something not bendable.

The wind does not break a tree that bends
~ Sukuma proverb (Africa)

The tree that does not bend with the wind will be broken by the wind
~ Mandarin Chinese proverb

Facebook Me

2009-11-03T07:27:00.000-08:00

Did you get a card last night, but not really an invite to call? I'm not going to give you any sage advice as to how long to wait to call. Hopefully during the discussion, before the business card exchange, a tentative time was set to get together again. If not it's hard to tell.

It happens when you're not single too. Don't feel alone in this dilemma. Recently I got a few cards, but with no intent for anyone to call. One person mentioned their Facebook page about 5 times. Not sure if this was an invitation, but after the sixth time, I finally said I'm on Facebook too. The exchange literally was, "Hey I'm on Facebook. Here's my card, if you want to add me as a friend."

We exchanged cards, but never agreed to meet. Now I have the phone number and email but, I'm not calling to see if they want to have coffee. I sent the "add friend" request and it was accepted. I'm getting invited to events. That's pretty much what we agreed on, if there is another "event" one of us hears about we'll let the other know via Facebook. That is why it's called social networking, not social interaction.

This translates into dating, how? Usually a card means call me, but if you're not sure, Facebook can be an easy out. I think most everyone is on it, especially anyone under 35.

Singles under 35 will probably have a real hard time talking to you without checking their phone at least twice. Most will even say, I'm not txting, just checking out Facebook. Dividing their attention for one person is rude, but ignoring to keep in touch with many, is not. If the person talks about Facebook and you get a card without the usual, call me. I believe this is passive aggressive, contact me. In other words, everyone is a damm bottom and you have to make the first concrete move.

Try adding them as a Facebook friend. It's the first move. After that, see if they contact you or write on your wall. Just like online dating if no response, clean cups move down. Hopefully you'll at least hear about more events and not just added to her Mafia.

A few wall posts or comments probably means, she wants to see you again, but only as a friend. Who knows? Maybe she is undecided and wants to chat a few more times as a non-date/in a group, first.

Either way, friend with potential or not, the more people you know the more parties and events are in your future. Also once you get to the party, you'll know more people.

Are we friends or is just Facebook?
~ me

see more books > Relationships section

Questions from the peanut gallery?

2009-11-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

A little behind on writing for today. The cuter-half has had the flu for 7 days now. She still had a fever yesterday I believe. One of the perks of being in a relationship, someone gets to take care of you.

Unfortunately I rarely get that sick. I'm usually only the carrier that gets my girlfriend sick. I attributed it to either not smoking or being a very light smoker for year.

Anyways, until I get a topic rolling for today, if you have a question, story about your Halloween or suggestions either comment or email at sensei.cher@gmail.com

Hope you had Happy Halloween!

Just because I look sexy on the cover of Rolling Stone doesn't mean I'm naughty.
~ Britney Spears

Halloween

2009-10-31T11:26:00.001-07:00

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. Parties, dressing up, parades and general harmless mayhem what's not too like? Lately I just haven't been up for it. I can never think of a fun costume which was always half the fun. But, I still go out and always have fun.

Dating and Halloween, honestly can't find much in common except to find a party, any party, and go. If anyone you know mentioned going out, you should go.

If you don't know the person who invited you or the party host, try to think what friends you have in common. Would you go to a party with them? If the answer is yes, it can't hurt. Drive you own car then you can always leave. Stay at least an hour or so and try to talk to people. Chances are there is at least one person like yourself at the party for the same reason. Search them out and try and chat.

Quick safty note: Not planning on getting drunk, but you might, look up a taxi number and stick it in your wallet.

It's Halloween and you would rather just stay home, call a few friends. Confirm they are all still going out. Some may have changed their minds and wouldn't mind getting together for a Jason/Freddie marathon. If not, maybe they know someone else who decided to stay home and you can ring them.

There were a couple night I really just wasn't into going out. I called a few people who tried to get me to go out. It was nice to be invited and it made me feel better later on. I'm home because I want to be. I called a few more and found they were doing the same thing. We laughed about all the drama we were glad to miss.

Once me and a friend watch a movie on tv while on the phone. Neither really wanted to get up, get dressed and drive, but we both were going to watch a movie. It was a good time.

Here's to Treats with lovable tricks.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.
~ J. K. Rowling,

Cave Time, Me Time

2009-10-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest pet peeves I have is when two women get to together and merge into a single entity. These relationships usually end. What happened to the model couple that did everything together? "I couldn't breathe."

If you want the relationship to last, you cannot let yourselves become completely dependent on each other for a social life.

We have all the same friends.
First, everyone may get along, but not everyone you know will love your girlfriend and vice versa. Honestly, I didn't notice until we'd been together for over a year my girlfriend, Susan(fake name) didn't like my friends. Susan would bag out of plans at the last minute or want to leave early. No one was rude. I just started to notice something was off. Finally I asked, and she admitted she didn't like hanging with some of my friends.

You'll probably not agree with her opinion, but don't argue. Don't force them to be friends. Let your girlfriend stay home or go out with her friends once in a while. It's OK. More on what to do when your friends and girlfriend don't like each other in another post.

Second, couples need to have friends not-in-common. There will be times when you'll want to vent to someone without it going back to your girlfriend. Arguments will happen and you'll need to talk. That is when you need a friend, who can give an objective opinion and knows you best.

Give yourself time away and be you and not "we." Careful about rearranging your schedules to match up. Last weekend we were going hiking. I wanted to stay home and write, so I did. She still went her friends.

What are the warning signs?

1. There is only one email: Bette_Tina_RinLove@codependent.com

- This is rude to your friends. Let them be able to talk to you each separately. Ever hear of a thing called CCing? Also it sound immature when someone is always saying "...and we're in love."

2. One of you can't go to a party, so no one goes.

- It's not like you two share a pair of legs. Trust me your friends will get really annoyed if this happens a lot, especially when the event involved food or reservations.

3. One of you is on a softball team, but the other watches every game.

- Who needs the babysitter? There is no need for someone to tag-a-long like a little brother. Be honest, is their a trust issue? If someone is afraid to leave her girlfriend alone around other dykes, it's a red flag.

4. You never have time alone and don't want to.

- It is healthy to spend time on yourself, by yourself. It's called codependent, if not. In my recommended books section, take a look at "Teachings on Love." Set aside time to be alone. Read, take the dog for a walk, go shopping but do it alone. Learn to like yourself.

I'm not a therapist, but am pretty observant. One of you will start resenting the lack of alone time, the lack of being "me" over "we." I hear it a lot, especially in new relationships. We have plans for this weekend, but I could really use a break. It's hard and I've done my share of "being attached to the hip" behavior too. Just be aware because frick-n-frack-itis is really dangerous to a relationship.

Bringing the me back: A few quick tips:
If you go to the gym or shopping or something together all the time, go alone or with another friend once in a while.

If all your friends are hers, really try meet other people without her. I have to do this too and need to find women without day jobs. And once I get them, actually call them. hehe

Oh, another thing to watch out for is always writing and saying "we." There should be times when it really is all about you.

To wash one's hair, make one's toilet, and put on scented robes; even if not a soul sees one, these preparations still produce an inner pleasure.
~ Sei Shonago

Dating Gossip

2009-10-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned this a bit in posts regarding first dates, but heard something recently that really hit home.

We've all gossiped and heard gossip. Come on, you know, hearing a little ~~dirt~~ news on someone is always interesting. The issues arise when you are repeating what you heard, not what you know. Whether or not facts you know should be passed on depends on the person talking and the person listening. For my point let's let go any talk about events or items you known first hand.

Gossip is like that old game telephone. I have a good example. When I was in school in San Francisco I received a hate letter in my school mail folder. It was pretty bad, but nothing dangerous. I had an idea who the author was, rather that it was a group of people. At least two people, one who wrote the first part and another who wrote the end or possibly someone who started the letter, then finished it later. The tone changed mid-way.

Anyway, typical hate letter it targeted my personal life and personal looks. Comments about my "frizzed out hair," and "big ass butt" were mixed in with "everyone knows you're Gay." I was at a Jesuit Catholic School and tried to come out on my own time. A few good friends knew, but not until this letter did I get outed.

Anyway, I'm going off track.

I left the letter at my desk and went out to have smoke right after I got it. I turned the letter face down on my desk. My friend, who sat next to me, could tell I was upset. She could also tell, whatever it was that made me upset, was in that letter. She must turned it back over and read it.

After my smoke break and some thinking, I decided just to toss it out. The author has no power if nothing becomes of it, right. Act like I never saw it. But when I walked back into the classroom, too late, the Professor had the letter in her hand. She said nothing, waved me over to her then took me up to the Dean's office.

By the end of the day I had half the dorm coming to my room. They all asked, "What was the letter about?" The first few asked who the "jilted ex-lover" was and what did I do to them. Later that night, people were knocking on my dorm room door, scared, asking about the "bomb threat" I received.

A month or so later I found out the jilted lover theory was still going around the school. I learned that I had slept with half the women in the dorm, Gay and straight. I wish!

In this instance I was not really hurt, but I was outed. Ok, being outed sucked, but being out was better than in the closet. The usual, I lost a few friends. And yes, everyone did already know. If you've met me, you'll know why.

The biggest negative impact was on my "ex lovers." Not too mention, three people were afraid of the dorm building being bombed. And yes, of course, the feathers of the correct and inflated rumors floated all around the school, graduate students, law students, undergraduates, professors and beyond.

Where did this topic stem from? I saw the movie Doubt last night. The character Father Brendan Flynn, played by Phil Hoffman, relayed this story regarding gossip.

Father Brendan Flynn: A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew - I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O' Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. 'Is gossiping a sin?' she asked the old man. 'Was that God All Mighty's hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?' 'Yes,' Father O' Rourke answered her. 'Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.' So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. 'Not so fast,' says O' Rourke. 'I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.' So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. 'Did you cut the pillow with a knife?' he says. 'Yes, Father.' 'And what were the results?' 'Feathers,' she said. 'Feathers?' he repeated. 'Feathers; everywhere, Father.' 'Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,' 'Well,' she said, 'it can't be done. I don't know where they went. The wind took them all over.' 'And that,' said Father O' Rourke, 'is gossip!'

~ John Patrick Shanley (Writer for play and screenplay)

If that doesn't pull at you, then you're still talking.

Show me someone who never gossips, and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.
~ Barbara Walters

Is your house clean enough to date?

2009-10-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

I've heard lots of complaints about people not wanting to have their dates over because "My house is a MESS!" Simply, clean it. I know you're busy, but do watch and tv? How about kill time on Facebook or reading this blog? My posts aren't going anywhere.

Take an hour and vacuum one day. No scratch that, take an hour and pick up. I always have to at least get shit off the floor before I can vac. If an hour won't do your place, then do one room. If it takes more than an hour to clear one room, it's time. Pick a day and clean. Invite a few friends who are close and maybe have already seen the sty and offer them beer and pizza. No food or drink until it's done!

I've done cleaning here and there during the commercials of Sons of Anarchy. During one show I cleaned the cat box, took out the garbage and recycling, did the dishes and got the ba-zillion cat toys off the floor. Well got it down lesser-a-zillion. It’s not like the commercials aren’t loud enough you won’t hear when the show is back on.

However you need to do it, just do it. Why? Unclean room says unclean mind. No not that way, as in a mind unorganized with no direction. Come on, how hard is it to pick up? My desk is a mess most of the time, but once a week I at least organize it. Get rid of all the little piles, file, throw out, shred, put back in the bookshelf and wipe off the ~~coffee~~ tea rings off. If I’d known tea stains worse than coffee I might have never switched.

Many sources from AA to the science of psychology note that a messy house is sign of trouble. Someone not worthy dating.

The Psychology of Being Organized
By Terri Emmett
A messy house trashed with useless clutter is an abstract representation of many lives – also muddled with unnecessary debris that needs to be regrouped, set aside, hidden out of sight or, better yet, disposed of completely. Wasted thoughts, wasted energy and wasted time all add up to wasted money.
… a well kept home and yard tend to indicate a well-ordered existence in every area of your life, whether it is financial, emotional or physical.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
~ Erma Bombeck

Dating while Living with Mom and Dad

2009-10-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

Living at home is not very sexy. I've done it and I'm sure lots of people are in the same situation. There are many reasons for staying at home, but it’s still embarrassing. I’m not going to soften it, it’s not good. When I was living at home I had a hard time getting dates. Living at home, no matter what the reason, screams immature. But so does living with roommates at over 35, too.

First we all know today, Tuesday October 27, 2009, many people are unemployed and have been. I personally know at least half a dozen people that have had to sell their homes. Friends that were living alone now need a roommate or roommates. One of my friend’s relationships that allowed for a two income household ended. Just on my social chart that’s about 10 people whose living situation changed and about half had to move home.

Moving back home is not the character killer it was years ago. However, the reason for staying home or moving back in can save face.

Living at home while being in college used to be a sign that mom and dad didn’t trust you to live alone. Today living at home while starting your education at a community school is smart. This saves 2 years of the higher tuition. I lived at home for the 5 years it took to get my bachelor’s degree. It wasn’t cool then, but I didn’t get slammed for it. Today many people move back home to go back to school full-time.

Situation change may cause a move home. Newly single parents may find it just too expensive to live alone anymore and not able to afford day care right now. I know of one woman who moved home to save on daycare and take classes at night after work. If you are no longer a two income family, you’ll probably still need to have two incomes to keep your home/apt.

Don’t be afraid to tell someone you live at home. Be afraid if you are living at home with no plans to leave. Don’t be ashamed for staying at home to get an education for a job, new job or better job. Don’t be ashamed for staying at home if life has thrown a curve ball. Admit you racked up too much debt while working full-time. Lots of people lost money in the market, lost money on the sale of their house. Just be able to follow the news with the course of action you taking to have it cleared in X years.

On the flip side: Don’t be afraid to date someone if they have plans. Just find out how long they’ve been home, their plan and check for the status.No movement, no date.

Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.
~ Bill Watterson -comic strip Calvin & Hobbes

Places to Meet Women

2009-10-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

I've done a little wandering around my town of Los Angeles. After dating in Rochester, NY for many years I know that area the best, but I haven't lived there in 3 years now.

I'd like to get some feedback from you.

Where do you go to meet women?
What online dating sites work for you area?
What online dating sites have no members in your area?
What bars are good for meeting women versus pick-ups versus just hanging out with friends?
Are there any clubs of groups or sport team that have been a good source of meeting women?

I'll give a few of my own answers. Note my answers are based in the areas I've lived. I'm hoping my answers to the questions reveal answers that relate to your town.

1. Most women I know found someone to date in a sports league. Not only softball, but women's football, soccer, volleyball and rugby. Oh yes and women have met at bowling leagues too. I'm not talking about professional teams but usually most cities have a recreation department that offers leagues in 3 levels of skill. Level one is often more about the socializing after the game.

If you are not up for joining a team, which I never did, go to the games. Try and follow one or two teams since often there are a few games playing at once. This way you'll be meeting the same people at every game and have a better chance to get to know them.

2. Match.com and Yahoo personals was the best for upstate New York.

3. Tangowire and most of the larger dating sites targeted to Gay women usually had a small membership in and around Rochester.

4. Bars were never really good unless they have non-bar-time events. These events usually start early to help raise chances of talking and having fun while decreasing drunken pick-ups.

Muther's used to have a Sunday brunch and served dinner until 9pm. Think they closed, but in East Roch., Jonathan's had a monthly women's night. A couple bars had trivia nights, that started before the bar got hopping. Nasty D's, or most people still call the bar by it's old name, RJ's has Name that Tune on Thursdays. In NYC Angel's and King's had a comedy show followed by watching the L-Word, then the music was turned up after. Catty Shack had Sunday BBQ's. Lots of bars have football "tail-gater" on the weekends. Next time you are at the bar, just the bulletin board for events.

In summary Friday and Saturday nights are bad, but anything done around happy-hour has potential. Basically when the music is turned off or down.

5. Already mentioned the sports teams. Again I used to go watch bowling, softball, volleyball and even soccer. Bowling and Softball were the best if you're just an cheerleader.

There was RDykes, run by Sabrina that had a Tuesday coffee night at Java's on Gibbs. That has been replaced I think with Thursday nights at Equal=Grounds. You could probably call Equal Grounds and just ask when "the women's group" meets.

Lastly, joined a Karate school and went at least twice a week. A few people would go out after class. At first they weren't the people I'd consider hanging with, but once I got to know them it was fun. A group of guys would hit the local tavern for burgers and beers. I don't drink, but always tagged along. I didn't date anyone from the school, but did date friends of people I met.

In short, trying to meet people, find out where to go, then go. And go there more than once. Ever know a fisherman that caught a fish after dropping the line one time?

OK tag your it!

Karate is about discipline and the first discipline is showing up for class.
~ Carter-sensei
[no clue who Carter sensei is but the quote's from Shuriway

Can't let go?

2009-10-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Many of us have lost a girlfriend who we can't let go. Hopefully no one has started stalking, that's another issue.

How do you know if you're stuck? For me, I found myself going through all the photos of my ex and sorting them by date. I even added little notes on the photos. Yes, remember when pics were this little rectangular things you put in books.

Are you still surrounded by her things? I know it's a really cool ring or necklace, but put it away. Take down all photos and replace with ones of you and friends or family. Don't have any of your friends? Go pilfer them from friend's Facebook or mySpace pages. Print, frame, hang. Get rid of as many of the gifts. Toss them in a box.

Yes, get rid of the mug, the plant, the cool thing from the trip to Mexico, yours-previously-hers sweatshirt and the stupid thing on your desk.

If you are still on a softball team or in situation where you socialize with her regularly try to find a new activity. Don't quit the volleyball team, just try to find things to do instead of going out with the team afterward every week.

Does she always go to happy-hour on Thursdays? I know, many of your friends are there too. I'm not asking you to boycott totally, skip a few Thursdays. Try asking a few friends to go out another night.

Kind of the same... my cuter-half is out of town a lot for work. I don't go to an office for work, so I have a tendency to isolate. I'm stuck, sitting in the house all day. I'm not really into sports or watching sports on TV, but my neighbors are. They had a Dodgers BBQ and I offered to bring cups and plates.

I wasn't a Dodger fan but had fun watching the game. Now I kind of am. Forgot, I had a Brooklyn Dodgers hat. Not something I would have done, but now I know my neighbors. Didn't realize how many cool guys are around here and couldn't wait for the next BBQ. But... the Dodgers are done playing.

Sometimes we don't know we're stuck. If you haven't dated in a long time, look around. Has anything in your life changed in the past year.

Almost every time I started to date again it was after I had changed jobs or moved or just changed my routine. I met the girl who ended up helping me come out the day I decided to take a cigarette break out a different door.

Basically if you're stuck do something. Do something different.

When you have no companion, look to your walking stick”
~ Albanian Proverb

Should I date a bi?

2009-10-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

I may get beat up for this, but going to post my views about dating bi-sexuals. First let's define the bi-sexual. I am all about accepting whatever a person self-identifies as. Women who have told me they were bi:

Been in a marriage for over 12 years and hasn't been with a woman since a relationship after college that lasted 4 few years. Doesn't plan on being with a woman again, happily married to a man

Married happily (having sex with the husband), they have kids but likes to have flings with women.

She was dating a girl but then quietly dating a guy on the side. Her friends were mostly bi and straight

Dates a guy for a while, that blows up, dates a women for a while, that blows up... repeat

Dated women exclusively but had sex with men occasionally.

My point? I have also met self-identified dykes/lesbians whose descriptions also match every women above. While living in Manhattan a group of "Married Lesbians" showed up at Angels & Demons for the L-Word night. Most were happily married, and there husbands knew about their extra-curricular activities.

The biggest fear we have about dating a bi is that they will cheat because they need... err ahh "real wood." I doubt that since ours can last longer, change sizes and shapes according to her needs and doesn't requires a wash cloth. Even better, ours can change size and shape mid ahh session. Try to do that one boys!

Let's kill the all bi's cheat argument. People who cheat will cheat. I'll pilfer Eddie Izzard's line,

...with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"

Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

I've done it, not proud and of course can give you all sorts of extenuating circumstances. Fact, I cheated. Move on.

Here are questions you should as yourself.

Are you going to spend half your time wondering if she wants to date the other sex?

Does thinking about her being with a guy invade your mind a lot and upset you?

When you think of her what is the first thought?

As I've written before I've dated a few bi women. OK very few, 3 at best. I don't think any cheated. Honestly, if something happened to my relationship would I date a bi? Dunno. I'll always regret the one that got away in San Francisco. The really hot second year law student who liked me but when asked if I would date a bi chick, I ranted. Then there is the one I regret dating. Then again it had nothing to do with her being bi.

If it bugs you, then don't force something you're not comfortable with to impress me. If you're not sure, sit down and think about it. Be honest with her and yourself.

Understanding is a two-way street.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Where are all the Girls?

2009-10-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

[Sorry I wrote this yesterday but hit save instead of publish]

I've been Out a while so sometimes I forget when you come out you're first thought is, "Where are the girls?" We all know almost every town either has a lesbian bar, Gay bar or with in driving distance to one.

If the Saturday night dance scene is not your bag, then try an off night. Most bars have a phone number where no one answers, but the list of weekly events is rattled off.

For example the Abbey here in LA has.. oops their calendar is empty except for which DJ is playing. GirlBar is one of those floating bar night, not real place. I hate those things. I remember trying to chase them down in SF. Then again there wasn't any listing on Lexis for them. Let's try Akbar. I've walked by it plenty of times, but never found out if it was Gay.

Apparently Akbar is Gay but there are Gay friendly hets mixing in too. Wednesday is Craft Night run by Craft Head, Julianna Parr. Hmm wonder if she is related to my wacky of wacked friend Lorraine Parr. Not my cup of tea, but they probably have a pumpkin carving night. If you can't find or don't know where the Gay bars in our area are, just Yelp.

One last note on bars, back in Rochester there was a band called Meg and Clams. Personally I was not a fan of the music, but whatever bar they played in was temporarily at least 50% Lesbian that night. Try and find out when a local band of mostly women is playing and go see them. Even if none of the members are Gay all girl bands will bring out the gay women. A good thing about going to see a band, most everyone will hit the patio to smoke between sets. Even if you don't smoke, just go outside.

OK enough of the bars. I've mentioned this before call up the local Gay Center. They often have events and can usually be counted on for a singles meet and greet night. If you don't want to go alone, I can promise you will NOT be the only gay chick who brought a straight friend.

Every town has a Gay-friendly coffee house and it's not a Starbucks. Hit a few of the local cafes and check for an events board. Any chick with guitar nights is a sure bet to have a gay following, al la Ani.

Not a great idea but, if you have a known Gay area, walk around there with a friend. Pop your head into a cafe and ask the cute chick behind the counter if she knows of any local musicians playing near there this weekend. Doesn't matter if you care of if there is, just want to build a rapport with the cute girl. Don't all cafes have cute girls behind the counter?

I've never done this, if I did I don't remember... but I heard hovering around the Gay section of Barnes and Nobles or Borders and try striking up a conversation.

Just remember, say one thing or two if no response move on. Don't be the creepy girl in the book store.

Men kick friendship around like a football but it doesn't seem to break. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Casting for the Real L-World

2009-10-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

If you've been surfing the queer net much at all the latest news is that Casting for the Real L-World has started.

I'm really curious to see how "real" dating life is portrayed. Many of these shows still have writers who pick and chose what part of the hours of vid from the past week to actually air. Lots of previous reality stars have complained afterward that minor fights were made into big productions lasting weeks.

Probably like most my first thought was, "Hey why not get some free air time." Maybe I'd be a good "player" as the new to LA, not-yet-famous writer, over ahem 35, Dyke, who's dated since the 1980s. That thought shortly followed by, hmmm very few reality shows seem based in reality. From my little point of view in my little corner of Los Feliz many of the "stars" are made to look less than intelligent. Good drama, but how does it affect their lives after the show closes?

However, the show is being put together by Magical Elves, who also did Project Runway. I'm not really into fashion, if you've met me you know, but I loved the show. I don't know anyone from that show, obviously, but the personalities shown appeared to be true representations each person. There wasn't any casting of a KKK Terrorist with a Out Gay man with Aids who's pro-choice and in a interracial relationship.

I'd really like to see if the surge in online dating is shown. Are they just going to fill the usual roles:

- rebel Casanova, who tosses away women, but is afraid of the real thing due to some deep emotional scar

- great catch , beautiful and smart, but too introverted to actually meet people and a bit socially awkward

- shy girl, trying to come out but having trouble finding the door to her closet

- out and proud, but beaten down by homophobic family, work and loss of childhood friends

- flaky bi, who says she only sees the person but merely switches back and forth depending on how bad the last break up was. (sorry, but you know they always show bi's as quirky)

- Over-bearing butch that's overly jealous and a bit violent

Sooo if your Queer and would like a shot of showing the world what a real dyke, boi, lesbian, grrl, bi or not-label-friendly entity is like...

"Please email casting@magicalelves.com; tell us about yourself, and include a recent photo. We want all types, from the power of Bette to the mojo of Shane.

Are you and your partner about to adopt? Do all the bouncers in WeHo know your name? Do you consider your friends family? Are you coming out of the closet and want to help others by sharing your journey? Are you or someone you know moving out to the more Sapphic-ly welcoming culture of L.A.? Are you a card-carrying 'power lesbian'?

More info at Casting for the Real L-World

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it
~ Lily Tomlin

Lesbian Attack

2009-10-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the hiatus... no excuses.

Last night I hit my first LA Lesbian Attack. Not sure of the full count of women, but according to Facebook 270+ women flagged the site as "attending" the attack on El Guapo. I'm sure most of those people were bringing at least one friend or girlfriend. Even if less than half that RSVP'd as "will attend" showed, with one person, that's 200 lesbians bearing down on this frat boy sports bar.

note the brain cells who built the El Guapo website didn't think to add an address. There is also and El Guapo in three other cities. Before visiting the site, be warned the creator was probably on his 5th bong hit.

To give you an idea of the type of bar, they had the Angels vs Yankees, hockey and football playing on about 20 TVs or more. There was also a, made for beer pong, table not far from where we sat. Yeah, beer pong! One dude was happily air-guitaring away to Motley Crue.

I went with the cuter-half and another couple. We showed up early. Good thing, since by 11pm there was a line to get into the bar. We got a table between the two main bars, in the middle of the action. I was able watch the boys looks change. At the beginning when there was definitely an increase in women I heard, "Yeah, bud check out all the women." The bar had very few women when we walked in. As it got later and table of 12 and groups of 4 to 5 women were showing up I heard "Ahh what is up with this?" The line of all women outside was definitly causing talk.

Not all the boys were intimidated or even noticed. Two muscle boys stood at the top of the stairs trying to hit on women walking in and out of the VIP room. I think they thought it was a sorority party. I didn't catch much their pick up lines, but I heard more than once the response, "Oh she's not your type." And the dude had switch to air-drums, clueless.

All around our little table was a lot of mixing and matching. I was happy to see the straight-ish looking lesbians mixing with, like me, non-passing butches and of course the always adorable baby dykes with a few, ahem, also like me, over 35ers. Great mix of women. Not once did I hear "Are you looking at your ex?" That many women and no fights? Ahh Queers playing nice! Was there a pool table in there?

Even in my small-ass Rochester, NY we had an attack once in a great while. Not as aggressive as the official LA group, usually a band was playing at some het sports bar that included a "family-member." But for some reason when you get a group of Gay women in a straight bar, phone numbers will be swapped.
Looking for a way to meet-up, grab your cards and look for a Lesbian Attack. There is probably not a more diverse grouping of dykes in any bar. Then again I've only been to the Abbey and 11 in LA sooo feel free to correct me.

Lesbian ATTACK!'s mission is to infiltrate Los Angeles' best straight bars and gay 'em up with the hottest women we know. This is a grassroots effort. Just OUR favorite women and THEIR favorite women....

Lesbian ATTACK! (Facebook)

why we all gotta look, why we all gotta act the same
i say if your born a lion don't bother trying to act tame
~ Born a Lion by Ani Franco (sound)

Dating Books and Movies

2009-10-14T06:47:00.000-07:00

When I was coming out the only books a 15yr old could find on lesbians was in the library. I never looked for reference material, but my girlfriend found a couple books. Maybe it was only one, but both only informed her that homosexuality is a curable mental disease.

I had seen enough Donahue (predecessor to Dr Phil) and sat through to enough Sunday school classes to know books weren't going to help. Maybe I was wrong and it was just our library, but in 1984 finding any material on Gay dating, relationships or coming out was difficult. And what you found was probably only going to scare the crap out of you instead of help.

I've done my best to read many of the books available today. Until last night I had a few books recommended as part of a separate page on this blog, then more in the right hand column and still another collection on two separate pages on Queer Dating Expert.

If I wanted to add a new book I read or a reader recommended I had 4 "amazon stores" to update. I couldn't remember what was where and it was a pain in the ass to keep them all updated. What should be on the blog vs the expert site? What should be on the blog main page vs. a separate page? This should be on all the stores. Well, I've made my life easier and hopefully yours too.

Now, all the books are in the same page [recommended books] for both sites. I've divided them out by coming out & dating, relationships, non-advice books I've read or want to and movies. I'm leaving the right hand column's "My Favorites" for books or movies I mention in my posts or well just... my favorites.

If you're coming out now or back into the dating world, please take advantage of some of the resources available. Almost every city has a Gay Center. Most have workshops on coming out, dating and singles events.

I have had time to analyze my feelings. I am certain that they are totally neurotic, sexist, silly, and a big waste of time.
~ Phil Donahue

Match Maker

2009-10-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to add a couple more options for dating that I haven't personally reviewed. If anyone has tried them or currently a member please add comments.

The LEK - An LA based site that charges 99 cents per contact instead of a monthly fee. It sounds like Facebook for singles.

TheLEK.com is a Los Angeles dating site that connects you with other singles based on the places you like to go and the things you like to do. List your favorite restaurants, bars, clubs, events and activities.

save~the~date(ing) - An LA, San Francisco and NYC based matchmaking service. Members are screen before being allowed to join, then the service provides events for singles to meet.

[paraphrased]
Their team personally meets all members to confirm they meet their "high standards for character, dynamism and professionalism."

Members get together for events varying monthly events from learning the basics of Single Malts to sailing.

Yes, this may be a bit elitist, but even I had in my profile college degree required, preferably a masters. I'm not sure they cater to Queers, but I also know not all my readers are Queer.

I've sent an inquiry to see if they accept Gay clients.

Again, if anyone has any experience with these services please add comments.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
~ Fran Lebowitz

Have Card will Date

2009-10-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

How about an update on Bring your cards? Back in August I went to a friend's birthday party. Actually it was the girlfriend of a woman my girlfr... Whatever, we were at a party. Our friend showed up later an was introduced to the singles at the party. He exchanged cards with a good looking man.

I'll say it again, swapping business cards is a quick way to pass along a phone number without the obvious standing in the middle of a room with both your cell phones out.

Guess who me and the cuter-half went on a "double date" with last night? Yes, our friend and his friend with the fast and ready business card. How's that for putting my advice at work! Yeah OK I can't take all the credit, but.. uhm I will. Honestly, I was just an observer of this LA habit.

Until I saw the card exchange happen a few times in Los Angeles, I wouldn't have thought of it. I never saw it in New York City. And the community in Rochester is small enough one of your friends will have the woman's number. She'll probably have dated her.

I don't work for a company that provides cards, but created my own. Even if you are currently ~~unempl~~ between jobs it's not usual for people to have "social cards" with only their name, mobile phone and email.

Open up MSWord, select file > open > templates and click on Business cards for small business.dot. If you don't see the business card template, download one from the Microsoft web site. Again I used the Business Cards for Small Business template. It has a little coffee cup. I removed the logo and used my own, but there are a number of different templates.

Got you template? Add your information and now all you need is paper to print out the cards. Run to Staples or order business card paper online. See link below (hint hint: sensei would like contributions to the bike fund).

Now you're ready whenever you meet anyone. I'm always running into people, we talk then want to add each other on Facebook. No need to expect anyone to remember full names, just swap cards.

Business Card Paper

MS Word Bus Card Templates

If it can work for two guys at a party for a lesbian couple, it can work for you. Well, it doesn't hurt to try, now does it?

I decided that I would be one of the biggest new names; and I actually had some little fancy business cards printed up to announce it, "Count Basie. Beware, the Count is Here."
~ Count Basie

Add as Friend

2009-10-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

I always see RT @someone in Facebook updates and thought it was "replying to." Quick Google and I found out RT is ReTweet, basically forwarding from Brent Ozar – SQL Server DBA blog.

Funny I studied Oracle 9i for my masters. Shit I should have looked for DBA jobs. They pay good! Anyway I wasn't looking for SQL procs to steal, but thought I'd scan a few posts.

There is a post "Top 10 Reasons I'm Not Following You." It's related to following people on twitter, but he has some valid points for any social networking.

9. I looked at your tweets, and you’re not interacting with anybody.
...

Most dating sites show last logged in times. If it's been over 2 weeks chances are they are dating someone else or gave up.

On Imeem and lastFM I get add friend requests from people who haven't listened to any songs. This is usually a sign of vapor people, no one there just an advertisement, usually related to porn sites.

4. Your profile doesn’t have the Holy Trinity: a bio, a location and a link.
If I can’t tell who you are, I’m not following you. You’re hiding something.

Locations like “Right Behind You” show me that you have a sense of humor, and that’s a good thing. Locations like “The United States” tell me that you have no sense of humor and no sense of geography, and that’s a bad thing.

If you don’t have a blog, that’s okay, but at least link to something that will tell me more about you – a profile on a site somewhere, your company’s site, your Flickr account, your favorite bar, something that will show me you’re a real human being.

He pretty much said it all for #4. Anyone on a dating site with a profile that is almost blank doesn't want to meet anyone online.

I'm not going to cut and paste the whole article here. Mr. O presents it in the David Letterman style. The number reason made me laugh. Go read it.

...I'll write mean things about you online and your life will be a car crash and people on the interenet will ReTweet me copiously and laugh at you at my command.
~ from The Social Media Guru on YouTube [NSFW]

First Dates - What to say?

2009-10-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

How to start that first talk whether in an email or on the phone can be a bit scary. I find it best to pick anything from their profile and ask them about it.

Look at the "about me" section:
My cuter-half wrote she has a Super Duper laugh. I asked her why she she wrote that? What determines a super duper laugh from a regular laugh? "I like walks on the beach" can prompt "What beaches?"

Interests:
Either start talking about an interest you have in common or pick one you know nothing about. A lot of profiles are very generic, ask for specifics.
Animation - Do you like anime?
Skiing - What kind of skiing, down hill or cross country?
Laughing - What comedians have you seen?
Sports - Do you like rugby? Do you play or watch soccer?
Working out - Do you take group classes, lift weights or all cardio?

Look at the photos:
Hopefully they have more than 8 head shots. Comment on what is in the photo:
Is that your brother with you?
Where was that pic taken?
What kind of skis/bike/guitar is that?
What was the painting behind you? Who painted it?

Look around:
Talk about whatever is around you. If you're on the phone try talking about what is in view. My plant is growing out of control. I should put away some of my baseball hats. My cat knocked the mail on the floor. Stories about your pet should spark a story in return.

Out at a café? Comment on decoration on the counter or the walls. Talk about the menu choices. Don't be snarky but you can talk about people around you.

Once you get started talking about anything other thoughts should come up. If the two of you are even vaguely compatible talking should come easy. It just may need a jump start.

A few last notes: It doesn't hurt to read a paper, catch the news on the telly or online the day before meeting. Confirm your profile has enough detail to provide her for questions too.

Give details in your profile. I like walking leads to one question, "Where?" Try, I love walking at Venice Beach for the day and ending at The Sidewalk Café. This leads to "Have you had the omelets there?" "I've never been, it is touristy in the summer?"

Try to listen as much as possible and remember what she said.

Check back to 'Was that Outloud?' for what not to say.

Tallulah was sitting in a group of people, giving the monologue she always thought was conversation.
~ Lillian Hellman

Just Came Out?

2009-10-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

Fortunately I had the luxury of coming out and being in a relationship all at the same time. Also my first real "relationship," as in more than casual dating and lasting longer than a few week was with a woman who was at the same stage as me.   But I have been on the other side.

Debating on dating someone who is just out? Debating on dating someone who hasn't "been with" a woman yet? Are you the women trying to convince someone that you are Gay? Both parties must be honest!

I've asked inapropriate questions and made some inappropriate comments. By sharing what I thought as the questioning partner will help the newly out handle the questions.

The first question, How do you know you're Gay?

This is pretty dumb question to ask, but who can help themselves from asking? I didn't want to be a test flight. Being the first creates pressure, will all "lesbian kind" be judged on my behaviour. If you decide I'm an ass I don't want you to potentionally doubt the decision to be Gay. I've seen it happen.

How do you answer? Be honest. Some women are fine with being a test run, like the chance to be first. The ones who don't aren't going to work out. Whatever your situation is your partner needs to know or the potential date/relationship is already starting out with miscommuniation, or lies.

Hear are factors I've taken into consideration:

1. Has the women been in a long term relationship? Male or female this shows an ability to try and work things out. The person knows relationships don't end after the honeymoon and take work.

2. Has she been able to break up with someone? This, to me, is very important. Lesbians especially, will stay in relationship too long.   Newly out sometimes will stay too long to prove to themselves they are Gay. If we only last a short time, often friends will say "See, I told you. You're not Gay." I want to know if my partner/date feels we are not working out, she can and will to tell me.

3. Are you still married?    Very simliar to number two. Anyone still in a previous relationship should be off limits, but married women really scare me. Not just because of the mess and ethics of being the "other," but also it shows a tendency to hold on too long.    I don't want to be the girl-toy or feel like there is a back-up plan.   It also makes me feel like a "dirty little secret."

It's a big red flag that she will probably cheat. Worse, she will still keep you around as a back-up plan until she finds the next girl.   Don't tell me that you and the hubby haven't had sex for years. You are staying in the marriage, which shows deception. Why should I belive you, when your not being honest with the husband or yourself.

4. Have you slept with a woman? I've dated women who've said yes and no. To me any two people need to start at square one.   I believe every women will have different likes, dislikes, needs and what works or doesn't. Sex always requires communication and the more the better.

Just remember sexual compatibility either exists or not, and is not a marker for being Gay.    Be honest so you're partner knows to check-in a lot. Again, I think this should happen anyways, but some may need a reminder.

That all said, this is my advice. Feel free to argue or differ by posting comments. I'd love to see a discussion started about this. You can comment anonymously.

Be honest, brutally honest. That is what's going to maintain relationships.
~ Lauryn Hill

Fraudulent Dating Sites

2009-10-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm on Imeem and every now and then I get an message from some girl asking me to go to the site kissa.be/8Vb-. That links to a site called "sex in your city." It's a pretty obvious hook-up/porn-ish site.

I did a little research and it another site with fake members. Fake members are called "bots." Bots are programs that send emails of pre-written text. After joining you'll get lots of emails, mostly from the bots. They are pretty easy to spot since the spelling is bad and you'll receive the exact same email, with same mispellings from different members.

Be on the look out before joining a site. If you can't search around for free, or tons of hot women half your age start emailing you...

Reports on sex in your city

Complaints Board.com

Rip Off Report

Rip Off Report 2

If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.
~ Kate Beckinsale

Was That Outloud?

2009-09-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

After writing about some of my previous dates other examples came to mind. I believe I mentioned if you can make the first date more of a first meeting. If you're shy this may work much better for you.

Get a friend or two to meet you for coffee. I feel it's best to leave food out of the question on the first meeting, but that's may be just me. Then tell the other person you're meeting a friend at Javas around 6pm and you'll be there until 8pm. Try to give them more than an hour. Then invite them to bring a friend and meet you.

First, bring a friend who will not bring up every bad date, embarrassing moment, past relationships or anything similar. Also don't bring a friend that potentially has a crush you. Trust me, she'll sabotage it.

Things that have been brought up at these coffee get togethers.

Detailed medical history:
The women was barely in the coffee shop for five minutes and began to go into how she had fibromyalgia. I swear she said fibromyalgia at least every third or fourth sentence the rest of the night. How she had a hard time getting it diagnosed and how much pain she is in. Yes, a very happy and interesting conversation, maybe for a pre-med student, probably not.

Detailed questionable medical history:
After telling us about all the physical work she doesn't on the side she says, "I'm on disability." She injured her back. When we questioned how can she do all this intense physical work and be on disability, she responded with, "I have a hospital bed in my room."
Yeah, you tell me what you'd think.

Sharing a bad day:
I've been very guilty of this, but I think I get away with it by being funny. Talking about a single thing that happened recently is ok if you can laugh at it. Coming into a first meeting all jacked up and mad or depressed is not so good. I've caught myself sitting and bitching about my job. The date starts nervous and ends on a negative note. This can leave your date thinking you are cynical, pissy and no fun. Bitching about how your boss is an ass, can be dangerous. Beyond being negative, you never know who knows who.

Negative comments about others:
I've done this before too. I talked about a professor of mine. I didn't say anything really negative, just that I didn't like the way she taught the class earlier that day. But it would be hard not to notice I had issues with her teaching methods in general, not just how she handled that day's class.

My professor had been a temporary consultant at another person's work. The two did not work directly together, but had contact during a project. I was able to back-pedal a bit and save my butt. I added that her teaching method and mine were different. Fortunately the two weren't good friends and we both had the same opinion. She was a little quirky.

To be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. Rather than speaking badly about people and in ways that will produce friction and unrest in their lives, we should practice a purer perception of them, and when we speak of others, speak of their good qualities.
~ Dalai Lama

Online Dating - Clean Cups Move Down

2009-09-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

Looking at my email and winks from members, I've noticed a few members have tried to contact me twice. I know this is because I've viewed their profiles again. The second or third views were to get more information for my critique of the dating sites. I was gathering information about members who contacted me. Was I attracting the right type of people? Was the matching system for the site sending me potential matches or WTFs?

If you've already contacted someone and have not received a response, she's not that into you. She maybe looking at your profile to show a friends who's contacted you. Maybe to suggest you to her friends or worse, if you have something weird in your profile she maybe sharing it for entertainment purposes.

Getting a lot of people viewing your profile more than once but not responding? Might want to look for sentences that convey the wrong meaning, misspellings and what I've done, forgot to add a "not" to a sentence.

On one dating service I kept getting pings from men. I believe men sometimes do searhes for who is online. Men seem to be prone to forget to check the "female looking for male" box. Maybe they are hoping for a toaster oven, or whatever straight men get for converts. After the tenth email I changed my profile, but it got worse. Now I was getting chat requests! I accidentally wrote "I'm willing to talk to men, " instead of " I'm not willing to talk to men. "

One of the cool things about online dating is the harmless and soft rejection. A person simply doesn't reply. Again, no response, she's not that into you. Clean cups, move down.

I'm calling from the diner
the diner on the corner
I ordered two coffees
one is for you
the cups are so close
the steam is rising
in one stream
how are you
~ The Diner by Ani DiFranco (sound)

Safe Compliments

2009-09-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

I went to see Whip It last night. A really great movie with Ellen Page (from Juno). It's about a 17yr old who isn't quite living up to mom's standards. Not fitting very well into the world she is in, but then she runs into Roller Derby Girls. Life begins to change. Movie is very funny and I forget living in LA cool things happen at movies. Ellen Page was at the movie and spoke a bit before it started.

What does this have to do with dating. While I was walking down the stairs to the parking lot someone just behind me said, "I love you hair." I responded with my usual, "it's what happens when you live with your parents too long." Sje tried to continue to conversation but once she realize I wasn't started mentioning her boyfriend. Was this a pick-up line? Who knows but it is a good way to start a conversation with a stranger.

Personally comments on someone's looks is pretty lame. Pretty girls are sick of being told how hot they are by strangers. And never, never tell someone they "look hot." IT sounds so drunken 16 year old at a kegger.

However, my hair is either and easy target or it really just is that fabulous. It is an uncommon grey and many people think it's not my natural color. I've told people their glasses, hat, t-shirt or some item of clothing is cool. If you get a response at all besides thank you, doesn't hurt to try to continue the conversation.

My only warning is makes sure what you're commenting is a little out of the ordinary. If not uncommon, then an item you really do like. Maybe someone is wearing an Ani DiFranco t-shirt from her "To the Teeth Tour" and you love Ani. "I love Ani, did you go to that concert here in LA?" or "Is that's an Ani DiFranco t-shirt? I loved that tour." You get the idea.

You look hot, Daphne. I'd fuck you.

~ Gale Harold as Brian Kinney (Queer as Folk)

Dating Sites to Review?

2009-09-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

There are many dating sites out there. The more I look I run into another site.   I have profiles on Match, Connexion, Tangowire, Lesbian Match Maker, Chemistry so if you like more information on any of these sites or any another please just post a request.

That said this will be my last look at SinglesNet.   Match.com sends members "5 new matches," while SinglesNet sends "one to one match notifications" of profiles their system choses as potential dates. Right after uploading new pictures I get more people looking at my profile, more "interested in you" winks and more emails.   I believe this is because every time my profile is updated it's flagged as "Recently active."   Then "recently active" profiles are sent to more members as one to one matches.

I've always suggested to change the main profile pic often, which almost always results in more people looking at your profile. But since I did not change my profile picture at all, SinglesNet appears to be flagging any updates as "an active member." ( I know I said in my last post I was going to change my profile pic to the one of me smoking, but I didn't.)

I'm sure there are other features I've missed, so again, if anyone has any info, please let us know.   And again, let me know what other sites you'd like me to check out for you.

I am very attractive and get cuter the older I get. I'm even getting -- well, not statuesque, but I'm growing. I'm expanding. That's the best way to put it.
~ Whoopi Goldberg

Update: Singlesnet.com

2009-09-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

In my previous review of Singlesnet.com I mentioned my issues with the site. Before writing the review I updated my profile. As I've said before updating your profile usually results in more hits.

I edited the text to stress more strongly I only wanted to date in Los Angeles and changed my interests. I got about 4 more hits. Two were outside and two in Los Angeles. I'd still rather a "distance from my location" option was added.

I uploaded a two "bad" pics, only the one above was approved, the drag shot. Which really confuses me. Singlesnet did not allow me to add a caption to the pic either. I'm a little afraid of what my new winks think about me?

BAD
My winks included someone 11 years younger, 10 years older and another woman 20 years older. Didn't notice before but age range should be added to profiles too. Non-paying member profiles are truncated. Smoking, drinking and children preferences are not viewable. A little costly compared to many sites that have lowered prices in the past few months. Pictures uploaded need captions.

GOOD
Some of the issues I wrote about above, could all be addressed in the about me section. Two of my hits had paid memberships, which showed their drinking, smoking and children preferences. If you read Singlesnet's added features for a paid membership nothing is mentioned about showing more info in profiles. I didn't know that before.

The price is a little high. Other sites have reduced their prices in the last 3 months, but Ive always said if you are serious buy the subscription. It's is rarely more than the cost a couple dates. Match is selling 6 months for under $20!

Singlesnet offers a forum, but there are lots of the posts for hook-ups only. BUT, if you search there are a few actual conversations.

I'm going to change the profile again. I uploaded another picture (see at left). This one has me smoking. I wonder if paid members can see my full profile. Will the descrepance between my lifestyle choice of not smoking and the picture be noticed? I'll make it my main picture once accepted.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes. ~Katharine Whitehorn

These are my stories

2009-09-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

Names, exact events and dialogue are altered to help keep the narrative moving and make sense. Any dating story has more to it than one could write in a few paragraphs. Any dating story has two sides, if not more. I'm only presenting my view from my memory as correct or false it may be.

These are my stories.

My dates may have a different perspective.

Top 3 Free Lesbian Dating Sites

2009-09-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm going to pilfer from content from About.com I was wondering what you think. I'm not sure if these are the best sites or not? I never really thought Craig's list was much good for anything, but Gay guy hookups. Well that and the occasionaly time killing look at missed connections.

Top 3 Free Lesbian Personals and Dating Sites
by Kathy Belge, Lesbian Life Guide

1. Lesbotronic
Unlike traditional lesbian personals, where you browse through hundreds of online profiles, at Lesbotronic you fill out a personal profile and they finds your matches for you. You simply fill out their forms, state who you are and who you're looking for and you will be emailed the addresses of compatible women. Best of all Lesbotronic is totally lesbian owned and operated.
(more info at article)

A differing opinion from Curve Converstaions (from 2005)

Then again I have no idea when the About.com article published. f'ckers!

2. Curve Personals
America's top lesbian magazine is also one of the top places to meet lesbian women. Registration at Curve Personals is free and you can browse for ladies in your area or any where in the world.
(more info at article)

3. Craigslist
If you live in one of the cities that has a Craigslist page, you can do many things there for free: find a roommate, sell your old car, or post and respond to lesbian personal ads. Some people have had good luck with Craigslist personals, others have reported that they sometimes get more emails from men than from women. But, since it's free, it's worth checking out.

Comments?

We don’t have a lesbian love affair. I know that it’s been widely reported we do. I have no idea how that happened but no I do not have a lesbian relationship with Sienna Miller.
~ Keira Knightly

ok not sure it fits but she's hot, I don't care.

Site changes

2009-09-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

FYI: if you get errors of notice items on the righthand side not loading it's because I'm playing with the code. I added blogrolling on another site, but didn't realize until later that the new blogrolling isn't free. When a visitor from my site click a link in my blogroll there is an ad at the top of the page.

Not going to fly with me! We get enough ads. Shit, I have enough ads for books and movies in this site. Can't blame me for trying to make a little money. If you don't know how amazon stores work, I'll give you a brief. If you buy something from my store I get 4%. No, you aren't charged 4% more, I just got a little kickback.

I try to only advertise items I would buy or have bought. Some of the books I've read but borrowed from a friend.

Anyway, I'll be messing with recent comments, links to other sites and blogs and probably the order of the boxes. I never know what should be at the top.

Hey, any input greatly appreciated. You can comment on here with just a name and no email or link.

student: I hate programming. I hate trouble shooting. Why can't it just work?

teaching assitant: You hate programming, you hate troubleshooting, then what are you doing in IT? Have you considered Art?

~ Graduate Assistant Cher Stanley, Fundamentals of Database Client/Server Connectivity
Rochester Institute of Technology, Rochester, NY

Gina part 4 (end - lesson)

2009-09-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

We continued to date for about 3 weeks. Everything was going well. We talked on the phone I saw her maybe a couple times a week. She invited me into her bathtub.

I went over there one night with my laptop. Since we both spent time alone in our little apartments working it would be a nice change to have company. We both had fun. I remember her saying at one point, "I love geeks," and kept working.

Some people didn't understand when you work from home you still have to work as if you were. The attention will be on work, not anyone in the room. I remember that little moment because it said to me, she knew work's a priority.

Then I became the creepy girl. She had mentioned someone coming over to her house and spending the night once a week. I was totally OK until on the phone I got weird.

"I know it's way too early to be expecting monogamy," I could feel myself wishing I wasn't saying this. I couldn't stop it though.

"Yes it is. You said nothing serious. I believe your profile even said you weren't looking to 'play house.'"

"I know but, I don't want you to be with..."

"Hey, I don't ask who you're dating or not. You can do what you want."

We had only been dating two weeks. Flag one, then I raised another. I asked to come over on Valentines day. She said that might not be appropriate. I agreed, but, something in me was getting resentful.

I talked her into letting me see her the night after V-Day. I brought flowers and chocolates and a red flag.

The one night at her place I lost it. Went into some personal shit that I shouldn't have brought up. She tried to be, no she was compassionate, but I was just throwing too many red flags.

I got let go shortly afterward.

"I've lived in New York my whole life. You keep wanting to go out go walk around Times Square. I work near there and that is the last thing I want to do," she said.

I just sat and listened. She was right.

"You should date someone who wants to do the things you want to. Someone who'd be excited to show you around the city. I don't even like going out much."

The list of differences was pretty long and she never once mentioned I was getting creepy, but I knew it.

We were about to hang up on a good note, stay friends. Then I went creepy! I asked why people don't like me or what I did wrong? I don't remember what I said but it was totally inappropriate. How could I put in that position after being so sweet?

To this day I've wanted to call her and explain.

I've wanted to apologize and blame my anti-depressants was on. I had been put on anti-depressants literally days after my 6 year relationship ended by my general practitioner. She said over and over I need to see a specialist, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. That was about 4 years ago at this time.

About 6 months after my psycho breakdown phone call I finally saw a doctor who specializes in treating depression. We determined I needed be taken off them. The mixture I was taking was actually making me worse.

I wanted to call and throw excuses. I couldn't because I knew I big contradiction then. I was in between just wanting to date, no strings attached and wanting more. I had played around for the past 4 years but something changed. Worse, I was fighting the change.

She was really great, we did still talk for months. We shared profiles of people that winked at us and laughed. After a while we started talking less and less.

lesson: First, don't let sex take over your brain. Second don't let good looks determine the date. Last, if you feel off, a resentment or too much too soon, back off and think.

There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.
~ Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Gina part 3

2009-09-21T07:38:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

"Where do you wanna go? I need to change."

"I don't care. I told you I'm new here so you'll have to pick."

She looks me over as I take my coat off. And decided to give me the tour, probably to break the ice. She takes me into her tiny kitchen. ""You're Italian. Can you cook?"

I nod, no.

"What kind of Italian are you? Don't be expecting me to cook for you anytime soon." She looks cute when she tries to be bitchy.

Two people can barely fit in it at the same time. I can't help but touch her around the waist as we move past each other. Standing in the main room, she points to a wall with a table for two calling it her dining area. Pointing to a corner with two computers, "and that's my office."

"The couch is the living room?" I add.

"Yes, The bathroom is through the bedroom."

Ahh there is the tub she is always talking about. Definitely an avid reader lots of books in the bedroom, around teh bed and on the shelves. She doesn't keep a messy room, just comfortable. I look at her as she stops for a minute. She reminds me a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Rosario Dawson.

"The bedroom huh, letting me in here so soon." I move in closer.

"Uhm yeah the bedroom," I 'm moving in closer. "You're not very shy are you?"

I plant a kiss, "No." I think I threw her off. Not sure she's had a date so forward. We move to the living room and she starts to figure out what to do, where to go?

"You don't to go anywhere do you?"

"It's up to you."

We order in. I'm impressed as she orders half in English half in, I think Spanish. After she hangs up she says she never knows if it's easier to talk to them in English or not.

I've heard in New York City people do speak a sort of Spanglish. Some words English others a combination. I found a course teaching conversational "New York Spanish."

The food arrived and it was really good. Some pork chop thing and fried bananas. No, how white of me, plantains.

I'll speed up a bit now. I spent the night, the next day. Sometime in the afternoon her friend called to ask about the date.

"Uhm she is still here."

"Yeah she is standing right here."

"What have we been doing?" Obviously repeating a question asked of her. She looks at me with a happy grin. She pauses, "Been having a lotta lotta lotta sex."

OK, after the young girl and being nice it had been a few months. I was a bit forward for a first date, but if you saw her. Saw her the way she was dressed, or not dressed. Anyone would do the same thing, or they damm sure should!

With a flat bottomed, heat proof, glass bowl, smash plantains evenly flat, embedding garlic into them. Return to hot oil and fry until dark golden brown.
~ Fried Plantains with Sweet Heat Recipe

Same Sex in the City

2009-09-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Here's one of the dating books I never really read. I skimmed it. My girlfriend read it but I can't remember what she thought of it. I do remember she said it bordered on soft porn.

It's a collection of short stories some sad some not. There are two authors. One had been out only a year and the other 5 years. It speaks to those debating on whether they are Gay, Bi or just not particularly straight.

I'm guessing I lost interest since it's targeted to the under 25 "femmes." I use the term femme lightly since, just because a Gay woman does not look like a Dyke means she's femme. See my girlfriend. hehe

It also goes the other way round. A girl I dated with short hair and most definitely not butchy used to say, "Don't judge me by my hair cut."

Check out a little more from someone who read it. Kristin @ Daily Lesbian Life: post Same Sex in the City

What is the use of a book', thought Alice,
'without pictures or conversations?'
~ Lewis Carroll

Gina part 2

2009-09-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

"I hotstopped. I take the Q to 1 then the 6."

"Dude 6 is East side, 1 is West side. Tell she needs to meet you half way."

"Nahh, I'm fine. I told her I could find my way. I'm not going to act like I'm afriad to get lost or"

"You haven't ridden anything but the Q, woman."

She gets me nervous. The last thing I want is to get lost and half to call her. That wouldn't be real cool. I stupidly call my date and ask if she will meet me half way. Don't I get a ton of shit? Throwing my own words in my face, "You told me you could do it, you'd figure it out." I forgot she did ask at one time if I was OK figuring out the subways. Apparently, not wanting to lose any butch points, I boasted a bit too much

After getting slammed shamelessly, I babbled anything to save face. Saying, she'd probably need help if she was me. The woman who gave me the advice was a high femme. Ending on, I just got some bad advice. Damn my reputation was already killed. I almost lost my second date before I even left my apartment. Didn't take any real brains to realize I just given myself a yellow flag.

I head off on my trip. Damn some of the subway stops are huge. Long ass hallways that go under a block or two, but I get off the subway and I'm at the right stop. I started walking the wrong way at first, but find her building. It did take an hour plus.

She opens the door wearing a very small baby-girl tank top and what look like gi pants. Those white karate pants, the thin white ones, you get free with a membership. A little too late not to be rude I look up. I see her face. Ahh yes, again much better in 3D. I give her a hug. Not sure she was expecting that.

She lets me in and it doesn't look like she has any plans to leave the apartment.

Why do we have to wear baggy white pajamas while training?
~ Sensei Cher (as a yellow belt)

Singlesnet.com Review

2009-09-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'll finish the story... promise, but I got a new wink"one to one match" on my singlesnet.com profile. Yes, I'm testing these networks out for you. YES, my girlfriend knows about it. lol.

Here's my review so far:
The singlesnet matcher keeps sending "perfect matches" that aren't.

I'm not happy that important topics are hidden from a profile. If you pay for an account you still don't get to see...
Do you smoke? Would you date someone that smokes.

Do you have children? Would you date someone with children?

Totally ignoring, "Do you want children?" Does Singlesnet believes that is an not an option for Gays?

Singlesnet should leave let members decide on these points.

Also the form only asks if you would date outside the county. What happened to only xx miles away? In the free text, "About me," I wrote not interested in anyone outside LA, but this is the second time someone outside of LA has sent an interest email. I'm getting little annoyed.

I uploaded today 2 "bad pics" with me and another woman. One actually has an ex girlfriend in it. The other wasw part of a profile back when I was dating. I got a number of people asking why I posted it. The all thought it was a previous girlfriend.

I think, therefore I'm single.
~ Liz Winston

(apologize but I cannot find out who Liz Winston is)

Gina part 1

2009-09-16T15:43:00.001-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

OK, the little woman had a bad day and had a little too much wine. It happens. She wasn't drinking and driving and called a friend when it looked like I might show. It's not like she was pounding Jack and Cokes. Who knows maybe should would be fine it I wasn't 30 minutes late.

I'm not sure I'd call that a yellow flag. Repeating over and over how my ex-date was hot, hmm. I can't fault her for that. By that time she had too much wine. She wasn't mean soo I was willing to get to knwo her better still.

I called a few times. Once it was obvious she wasn't going to return my calls I looked back at my list of potentials. I need to get out of Brooklyn. I found this really cute, no she was hot. Hotter than anyone else I've seen in Brooklyn. I pinged her and we chatted a bit then the usual on to the phone.

She kept mentioning how she liked to take baths. I kept pushing to come on over to her place and run the water for her. uhm so to speak.

I got her to agree to let me come over. Only problem was I've never been on any train except the Q. She was an hour away using 3 trains away. I was all set for my first date. We were meeting at her place then take it from there.

It was only a few weeks after my last date and it was still cold in the city. Depending on the weather I guess she'll decide what we'll do. Again I've been in the city for barely 3 months so the night's plans I left to her.

Excited about my date I told a few friends. Ok, I only had two and one I had "dated" before moving. At dinner I was talking to the one friend I hadn't dated. No I'm not about to say, "hadn't dated yet."

"I've got another date tomorrow. She's up on 80-something-th street."

Looking more than surprised, "That's a long way to go. She's up on the West side? Women up there usually don't bother with us bridge and tunnel people."

"What?"

"She in Manhattan. We have to go over or under the water to get there. Get it a bridge or"

"Yeah yeah"

She got an evil grin, "Make sure this one doesn't need help moving like." She's laughing now. "You know how to get there?"

They say life's what happens when you're busy making other plans. But sometimes in New York, life is what happens when you're waiting for a table.
~ Sex and the City

Jean part 4 (end - lesson)

2009-09-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

The woman is not in fault anymore than I am. Here is what I learned.

First she was a bit too young, not age. She was in school, about to graduate in a field she was interested in. She was still living with roommates and had been in NYC for a while. She was looking up and ahead.

I hadn't had a roommate I wasn't dating in over 10years. I was a burnt out IT worker that had hopes of an animation career. As usual I fell into a job I could find, not that I wanted. A job that allowed me small rewards, like living in New York City. I was having all I could do not to look down.

For her a bad day meant staying at home or a bottle of wine with friends. Colds nights were for staying inside with a book or a movie. The city was nothing new to her.

After a bad day I wanted to go outside and be active. I didn't drink. Cold nights meant dress warm and go outside, look at the city, the lights.

We need people who have the same goals as us, kids/no kids, large house in small town, small house in big city. But we also need people whose right now matches ours.

She was excited and happy working her way on to her career. To be honest I was grumpy. Like most liberal arts grads I found myself working in a field where daddy had some pull. I was still there, pushing many years later. Shhh, I've only grown up within the past year.

My point? Two lives don't have to mirror each other, but they should compliment. Unfortunately the next woman I dated was closer in "age," but not in...

Excuse me! You probably think I'm looking for money. I'm not. But I'm looking for a companion! A girl, aged 18 to 25, and she must have a DVD player, so we can watch movies!

~ heard on the 1 Train in NYC

Jean part 3

2009-09-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

"Come on it's not even 9 yet, just meet for an hour. I'll have you home before 11."

"I’m not leaving my warm bed."

In ten minutes I was headed for the café around the corner from her place. Quick check of the bus and subway maps and I’m off. The Q pulls in just as I'm running down the steps. She's right. It‘s damn cold.

I hop off at the 7th Ave stop. Walk up the stairs and give the old man a quarter. Now, what bus? No clue. The Tea Lounge is on 7th Ave at 10th or is it 11th? Whatever, if I walk down 7th I won’t miss it. The windows at Ozzie’s are all steamed up from the warmth inside.

Shit, I’m going to be late. It’s more like 20 blocks not 11. I start to jog. I reach the Barnes and Noble at 6th sweating and start un-bundling. Shit, there's an F train stop. Where the fuck am I?

I see the Tea Lounge and walk in; she is on the couch next to some dude.

"Hey, you're late."

"The wind slowed me down." She goes back to talking to dude-man. There is no place to sit so I stand, waiting. After a few minutes, I introduce myself to the dude and he gets up.

“I’m Frankie, here sit down.”

My date looks up, "I'm drinking wine."

Dude pipes in, "Yea, just a little. What is that you're third?"

"Shuddap, I had a bad day. I was going to stay home." Pointing at me, "It's your fault."

Great, she’s a bit beyond tipsy. Frank, Fred whatever his name, sits down across from us. He starts talking to a blond chick, or guy. Hard to tell in Brooklyn, too many clothes and everyone looks all emo-hippy.

We swap crappy day stories, but it's obvious she is not going to remember. With the courage of wine, she asks if I’ve dated anyone in New York yet. I tell her about the girl from the reunion.

We kind of sort of dated. At some point mention where she works.

"Oh, what is her last name? I used to work with... well not with, she worked there and like I worked under. No, well, I was an intern and there was this really hot chick"

I tell her and she starts glowing.

"Man she was hot. She still hot? She is so hot. You dated her? What the hell? Why aren't you still dating her?"

"Ahh she kind of dumped me."

"She is so hot."

"Did I mention she dumped me? Can we move on the something else?" She is quiet for a few minutes then starts up again with she is so hot. Fred, Farley what his name leans in, "She needs to go home."

She nods it's ok saying, "It's Frank, we go to school together." Frank tells me she called him about 20 minutes before I showed up.
“I wasn't going to go out but she sounded a little too happy. If you know..."

He nods and motions to the blond. They are all heading the same way. My date tries to stand up. Not so good, she half sits and falls back onto the couch. She gets back up and I give her another hug and a kiss on her forehead. Nodding to Frank, “Thanks, keep her safe.”

I step outside and light a cigarette. A rush of warm air blows past and she’s standing in the doorway.

Looking sheepish, "I haven't eaten all day and the wine was warming me up."

I give her another hug and kiss the top of her hat. Real kisses should be remembered.

My head keeps echoing, "She's soo hot." It would be funny, if it wasn't true. So much for this date helping me get over the last girl. I know past lovers stop being good looking after a few months. In time, in time I tell myself.

After the second date, she stops returning my calls or emails. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I should have walked her home.

Good wine needs no bush.
~ William Shakespeare
As You Like It, Epilogue.

Jean part 2

2009-09-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

"It's not working anymore."
"I know, but"
"No buts, this is the third time. I shouldn't have to put up with this."
"I agree." It's really the fourth time.
"What are you going to do about it? We were fine this morning. I thought you knew... don't you know what you're doing?"

I sat quiet. Any answer to that would just cause more trouble. I was over it. The Q train saved me from listening to the rest. My desk is right next to the window. It's too hot to shut it.

I liked my job, because I could work from home. Unfortunately work-from-home jobs don't pay well. My window over looks 5 tracks, which run 3 trains.

When you move to NYC you have two choices. I opted for the loud apartment with a short walk to the subway, over a quiet apartment with a long walk.

"So what are you going to do to fix this?"
"It's fixed."

Fortunately, I fixed the stupid web page while being yelled out on the phone. He will hang up then call my boss, Monica. I stare at the phone for 15 minutes, ring. She's upset. She listens. She agrees he's an asshole. My day is over.

Another shitty ass day with shitty ass customers ends. Stupid West coasters always call at 5 their time, knowing it's after 8 here.

It's almost 9, dark outside. Picking up the phone I call my date from last weekend. She sounded happy, but down all at the same time. I wanted to get out, get some coffee. It's too damn cold out, she said. She must have one of those quiet apartments.

"She's an MTA baby," Irvin said. "On her birth certificate, it doesn't say she was born at the hospital, it says on the B15 bus.
~ Lydia Irvin

From The New York Post. "It's No Free Ride." August 6, 2007

www out of office

2009-09-11T16:23:00.001-07:00

Just a note no web access yesterday so sorry for the late post...

The Internet is the trailer park for the soul.
~ Marilyn Manson

Jean part 1

2009-09-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

One of my first dates was not one of my first emails, but either second or third.

One I was possibly interested in dating, and two that I thought were cool and we'd probably just be friends, but they weren't totally out of the question.

Anyway she responded we IM'd a few times. I think we emailed then talked. Within a week I got her to meet me for coffee. We met at Ozzie's over in Park Slope. I caught the B and headed toward the cafe, past the church with the red door. I walked in and she was already sitting at a little table drinking tea. I said hi sat down for a good look.

She was better looking in person. I don't know how some of these women pick out their pictures. Trust me, whatever pics you think are the best usually are not. Let a friend or two pick them out.

She had very short hair and reminded me of the early photos of Ani DiFranco. It was pretty bitter outside. She still had her coat on and a worn scarf around her neck. Her face was still red and her ears too. I got up to get my coffee.

I purposely took off my jacket before leaving the table. I like to give my date as much visual as possible. I'm not god's gifts or anything, but I have my points. Shitty or not, we all base most of that first meeting on looks. I like to make it easy for my date to decide if I'm her type or not.

I've got grey hair, a bit underweight and on the edge of athletic looking. No one would mistake me for a rugby player. But, I've been told I look athletic. Probably because I'm skinny. People forget that not everyone works out daily to stay thin. I know, hate me all you want. I tend to lean towards the thin women mainly to avoid hearing "I'm fat" all day.

She never took her damm jacket off but she could carry a conversation. We talked about, oh I have no idea what. But Ani and Ember Swift came up at some point. I never met anyone else that even knew who Ember Swift or Lyndell Montgomery were. I kept my eye on the time, not obviously watching.

There was a clock on the side wall. I could see it in the mirror behind her head. I could check the time without her noticing. One of the worst dates I had the woman put her phone on the table and kept looking down every 5 minutes. Pretty damn rude, I'd say. Even if you think, oh shit get me out of here, be nice. What was it Ani sang? ...

Maybe you don't like your job
Maybe you didn't get enough sleep
Well, nobody likes their job
Nobody got enough sleep
Maybe you just had
The worst day of your life
But, you know, there's no escape
And there's no excuse
So just suck up and be nice

I've learned to try really hard to be nice on a first date. Everyone shows the photos to friends before they agree on a date. A lot of singles have singles have singles friends also looking and it sucks when you try to meet that creepy girls friend. Especially in Brooklyn, you can bet your date tonight will know the woman you meet next.

We talked about graduate school, about music and about who knows what until my coffee was empty. Looking in the mirror, it was exactly an hour since I walked in.

She was cute and funny and in school earning her masters. I had an educational requirement of at least a bachelors. Ok, I'm a snob, but it's my date. She looked young, which is always a plus. After an hour she evolved from "we'd probably just be friends" to "not out of the question" with good potential. We agreed to meet for an hour, but I went for a refill to show interest. I knew she could easily see the clock on the wall too.

She laughed and smiled. I laughed and smiled. I stayed until my coffee was cold. This was February in Brooklyn and we could hear the wind kicking up. She had to stand outside to catch a bus and I had to walk back up the the 7th Ave stop. If I was nice I probably would have stood with her to wait for the bus. I was afraid I'd be too tempted to ride it back with her. I know myself.

I stood up and pretended to be surprised at the time. She fell into step and looked shocked too. We hugged and agreed to call to set up another time. I asked if she was ok going to the bus. I knew she'd say yes.

I could see her long coat flapping in the wind as she walked down 7th.

Morpheus turns to Neo, his long coat flapping in the wind.

Morpheus: You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear... doubt... and disbelief. Free your mind...

Morpheus spins, running hard at the edge of the rooftop. And jumps. He sails through the air, his coat billowing out behind him like a cape -

He somersaults once and lands on the rooftop some 100 feet away.

Neo: Woah.
~ Matrix: Larry and Andy Wachowski

My Dating Life in Brooklyn

2009-09-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to NYC, I decided to use online dating as a way to possibly to meet a GF, but mainly to just build a small group of friends. Every week I'd email 3 people. One I was possibly interested in dating, and two that I thought were cool and we'd probably just be friends, but they weren't totally out of the question.

I went on a number of dates that included a couple errm ahh one night stands ...that lasted a couple weeks, coffee and friendship, coffee and run away quietly and one dinner where I went home with my hair slightly thinner on one side and my forehead hurt. Online is trial and error until you find out what information to add to your profile to attract the right people and what profiles have red versus yellow flags.

I changed my profile info and pic every couple days. Each time I attracted different people, which also helped me to figure out what to look for in profiles. I'm not advising to write a profile to attract a certain person, but there are more than 500 words to describe anyone.

In the next few days I'll be writing the stories of my first few dates after moving to Brooklyn.

noteThe dates will be categorized by the name of the person I'm dating. The names are pseudonyms. Also the stories are closer to creative non-fiction than full fiction. The people and base story is true. I take some license with the actual dialogue. It may be muddied by my memory or simply I don't want to write out an entire 20 minute conversation so I paraphrase. Again, the stories are only from my point of view and should be viewed as such. My dates may have a different opinion.

Today is a Red Flag day. On a day like this, the smallest spark and high winds can cause a fire. It's a matter of how quick they can get on them.
~ Michelle Finch

Online Dating Site - Connexion profiles

2009-09-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

I just updated my connexion profile. Here's an example of a good profile blurb versus the boring, "I like long walks and traveling."

I have Ganesh sitting with Hoops and Yo yo on my desk. There is an empty box sitting on the floor next to me. My shelf is covered in Be@rbricks and mini figures from Shrek. My "Woe is I" book is sandwiched in between "Maya 6 Killer Tips" and "Guitar for Dummies." The last two haven't been touched in years.

I don't watch baseball but am very proud of my Brooklyn Dodgers hat. Unfortunately, it's too big. I'm wearing my youth-sized RIT hat. I have a wristband that reads Bourbon Fairy, but I don't drink.

Yeah mine could be a little better, but I'm only looking for friends. I can be a bitch punchy. You can tell: I like animation watching and creating it. I'm probably not big into very religious. I'm not into watching sports but like to collect things, maybe sports memorabilia.

Here is a not-so-great actual blurb from Conexion:

I'm a tomboi on the outside and girly girl at heart. I love to laugh and be sarcastic, learn new things. I do like video games, though I'm not a nerd. I like to do a number of activities indoor and outdoors. I work hard and play harder.

Let's break it down:
tomboi on the outside and girly girl at heart - debatable, not bad but things you can learn on the first date. She also wrote in interests "baseball, football, softball." Between that and the pic you can figure out the tomboi.

I love to laugh learn new things - So only people who hate to laugh should not respond. And that would be...

I love to... learn new things - People who hate learning anything would be...

like to do a number of activities indoor and outdoors - As opposed to doing nothing that is uhm in doorways. Well you tell me what is not indoor or outdoor?

I work hard and play harder - This really says nothing beyond I have a job.

What she might have written that would be interesting.

I'm a tomboi on the outside and girly girl at heart. Right now I'm learning how to speak Spanish and just started an archery course. I love playing Final Fantasy XI, Madden NFL 10 and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed on my XBox 360. I'm on the Gators Rugby team and love to fish. Every Wednesday night me and my buddies play poker.

I work in a cube for long hours programming. On the weekends I love to be outside mountain biking or hiking.

What did we learn?:
Spanish and an archery - Archery shows she can be calm not always and not always on the run an active. Learning a new language is pretty difficult. I'd say this shows she is more than just into sports/physical activities She can be a thinking woman too.

Final Fantasy XI, Madden NFL 10 and Star Wars - She does like her sports and competitive activities. Final Fantasy and Star Wars may mean she is a little on the geeky side. Lots of people love geeks.

Gators Rugby team and love to fish- Again more sports and love to play sports, not an just watch it. Like archery fishing shows she can can be calm. Not always run, run but likes down time too.

me and my buddies play poker - Playing poker and being on a Rugby team shows she is social. Sometimes people are introverted, especially if they are really into vid games. She has a social life and more importantly, friends.

This profile gives a better picture of who she is. Now when we try to make that first contact we have a number of way to reply. Also try to reply with a question to make her response easier too. "I love fishing at Bear Lake. Where do you fish?" "I used to play Texas hold 'em. Have you every played three card brag?"

A Young Mithra in Kazham That tall guy in weird clothes says hes from some place called sandy-oreos
~ From Final Fantasy XI

How to meet someone - Bring Your Cards

2009-08-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend was proof that networking works. We got invited to a birthday party for the girlfriend of someone my girlfriend met at a 4th of July party. We had a great time and met a bunch of people. A friend of ours met us there and we introduced him to a few of our new friends.

One of the couples I met knew a few singles at the party. He motioned one over and introduced them. I took over the awkward introductions and started an interview. Being the "friend," allowed me to ask those important, but not polite questions. Do you have a job? Do you have a house? Is it a nice house? What do you drive?

Be honest, we need to know if she or he is unemployed, needs a ride everywhere or living with mom. As usual I got away with being inappropriate, all in good fun. I was being an ass, but they exchanged business cards.

It may be uncomfortable when someone introduces you to the singles at the party, but grin and keep it light. Make it fun, look happy and maybe you'll get a card. It does help if your non-single friend is entertaining. :P

A note on cards: I don't work for a company that provides business cards, but made my own. Whether looking for a date or a friend passing a card allows for the quiet rejection. Like online dating, they simply don't respond. Even if you don't get a date, maybe you'll be invited to another party with more singles.

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun.
~ Janeane Garofalo

Lula part 4 (end - lesson)

2009-08-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

Finally the light changed and she came strutting across the street. Again, she had a long trench like coat, leather. The closer she got the more relieved I was. She was damn cute. I reached out and gave her a big hug. Oh what a hug. You know the kind that just feels right and you don't want to let go. As we hugged I did my usual look over her shoulder to check out her butt.

Damn long ass jacket covered everything. She wore the jacket completely buttoned up. Her face was all I could see. That and those awful boots. I could tell with one look either she really thought her boots were sexy or a friend told her they were sexy. They looked 60's stripper pole come fuck me boots. Was that bad? Although I'm not really a leg person, I could tell she had nice legs.

We hugged than headed uphill to The Tea Lounge.

"You know you’re like an hour late."

"No I'm not. It's only 40 minutes late."

I thought to myself again, bitch. "I almost gave up, actually I was about to head home when my phone..."

"Yeah, yeah I knew you'd wait. You wouldn't miss another chance at catching a bullet."

At that moment I knew, I wouldn't be waking up alone. This was too good to let simmer another day. Cute, or rather, I don't know, a unique look but in a beautiful way, not freakish. She was perfect, differently provocative with a touch of bitchy hesitation. Yes, I'm not finding the right words. If this sounds crazy then you'll understand how I felt.

We walked into the cafe and she offered to pay. If she wasn't late I might have argued, but this butch knew better. The only place to sit was a weird wicker love seat. I wasn't too happy sitting next to her. Sitting across from each other is much better for conversation. Also much better to get a real good look at some one. The coffees were ready and she jumped up to get them. I found an unused table by the stage and pulled it over. I wasn't about to sit there holding my coffee. You know I'll be wearing it. Before she sat back down she took her coat off to reveal a pretty revealing dress. My eyes lit up.

"Oh, you really are into boobs."

"Why would I lie about that?"

"Well, how are they? Do I pass your standards?"

I blushed a bit, but the cafe was dark, not sure she noticed. She had a black bra on that showed through the open back of the dress. Again she had just enough bitch in here that meant she was probably throwing all this skin at me for sheer tease. But I knew...

"Listen you're going to get lucky, so don't work so hard."

Again, this could all be part of the tease so I left it alone. But I was wrong, she did see that I blushed and called me on it. I like women who can hold their own.

I held my coffee and of course we started sizing each other up physically. We did this out loud to each other, strange but welcoming. She gave me shit and said I had "little birdie hands." She tried to entice me with how soft her skin was. I touched her arm on request and wasn't impressed. That didn't fly. She again mentioned my birdie hands with a hint that I was timid.

It's like a knee jerk reaction for me, if someone questions my confidence I feel the need to kill that idea. In date situations, if the girl is worth it, I lean in and kiss. Looking her dead in the eye I lean in closer. She looked at me as if I was bluffing. We kissed. She took a pause and so did I.

lesson: Remember this dating was started by, "We had emailed back and forth for over 4 weeks."

This is the girl that worked out. Before going on a date, do your home work. Take time to get to know each other. I suggest emailing. Send an email asking 3 questions. Each response after will include 3 answers and 3 new questions.

Good painting is the kind that looks like sculpture
~ Michelangelo

Lula part 3

2009-08-24T14:21:00.001-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

She had taken the wrong train then the wrong bus. Maybe it was the wrong bus then train, I didn’t care. She was on her way. All butterflies, stomach pains, stress induced twitching and general mild to moderate panic attacking dwindled. As they say in the Grinch, my heart grew ten times its size.

She’s walking up the hill toward the café now. The brain throws one last panic at me. What will she look like? I’ve seen pictures, but only pictures. What if she was a goddess when the pics were taken and now I’m on a date with Medusa? I better stay on the phone to drown out that damn little voice.

“Let’s stay on the phone so as not to miss each,” she said. Maybe she was feeling the same way too.

I could see a woman at the end of the block across the intersection facing me. She was a rotund woman with an annoying hopping-round child blocking my view.

“You don’t have a child with you? “

“No, just a red purse.“

“Buzzard! Damn rotund women with their hoppy kids.”

She replied with a laugh.

I have nothing against hopping children or rotund mothers; just this was not the proper time or place.

They finally moved on to reveal a lady with a purse, a red purse walking to the intersection. Dark hair, long jacket and eek, she had a poorly drawn head. Oh no, oh no no.it’s fucking Medusa, that bitch! She looked up the hill then went off around the corner. The phone was silent. Do I say something? Should we just hang up? As my thoughts were trying to adjust, my eyes caught, just beyond Medusa, another red purse? A long coat, shorter brown hair and a big ass smile to go with the self-proclaimed super duper laugh. Check out those boots! We can deal with those later.

She stood at the intersection; the light had changed so she couldn’t cross. I ran down to her standing on my side of the street. No cars were in sight, she just stood there smiling. Not crossing the street, not looking for cars she just stood there smiling.

“Come on! Nothing’s coming,” I yelled.

“No.”

“Listen I’ve waited long enough, get over here.”

“You can wait,” she said.

Hmm bitchy. I smiled inside.

You're now entering the country of Brooklyn. Please have your passports ready...`
~ Conductor on F train

Lula part 2

2009-08-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

As I walked past the newsstand on Flatbush my stomach started up. The Q train’s 7th Ave stop was right around the corner. My stop is the next one, barely 3 minutes away. Grab the train, run up to my apartment, take a few Tums , I’d be ten minutes late. Wait. It’s after rush hour and fewer trains are running. Shit, this would take longer. I don’t want to start our first date showing up a half hour late.

Oh brain fart, buy something here. Great, the newsstand only sold newspapers, porn, stale cigarettes and packages of mini doughnuts. The all organic grocery across the street carried “stomach easer” green tea. Buzzard!

Back at The Tea Lounge I looked at the time on my phone every two minutes. Not purposely every two minutes but every time I looked, only two minutes had passed. I’ll just walk around the block to kill a few minutes? As I rounded the last corner, it was only two minutes since I started walking. Damn! I’ll backtrack walking slower.

Now on my third appearance at the café I walked inside. She wasn’t there. Back outside I lit a cigarette, then put it out. She doesn’t smoke. Non-smokers think smokers smell like ashtrays. The couple sitting outside gave me that “you’ve been stood up” look. I sat until my stomach started up again. Now I’m also nervous about getting sick. I checked my phone again. Someone is ten minutes late. Did I screw up the time? Whatever, I must stay focused. Walking settles my stomach. I must keep moving.

Let’s think about this. I could walk around the block and take a peak around the corner to see if she is waiting outside. If not, then I’d turn around and double back and peak from the other side of the block. This way I’m not passing the couple out front all the time. Hmm, how I would know if she went inside? But I can’t just sit there waiting either. The goal is to look confident on a first meeting, not timid and sick.

Ok, I’ll look inside after every full trip round and back. Right now this is the best solution. I had to fight myself from walking too fast. After the fourth trip round, I sat on the bench again. She was 30 minutes late. Women!

Wait, wait, wait, there are two Tea Lounges! She went to the wrong one? No, no she’d call. Why didn’t I call? No answer, she must be on the subway. The couple is now quietly laughing. Whatever, I’m going to walk around some more. I just don’t want to see their faces.

Ten more minutes later, I call again, no answer. What the hell? Did see me and run? Calm down, this is New York City. Everyone gets lots, even in Brooklyn. She hopped the wrong train. The express train went local and she’d still be underground without phone service.

Forty-five minutes. Can I punch the couple? Don’t they have anything better to do than sit here for over an hour? “Go home,” the voice in my head said. I could hear the couple talking quietly and laughing. They were also sharing this funny little story to others. I still don’t think she stood me up, but I was embarrassed. Go home. Dropping my head down, I pulled out a cigarette. As always, when you stop watching the kettle, the water boils. My phone started to ring.

I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.
~ Andy Warhol

Lula part 1

2009-08-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

When I met her I knew nothing of her. Not how she would look, sound, feel, move, and most definitely not how I would feel. What few things I thought I knew, were wrong.

We had emailed back and forth for over 4 weeks. I tried and tried to get her to meet me, but I had a few hoops to clear first. Her last initial date went from enticing to creepy before the night was barely started. We were both pseudo dating other women. I wanted to meet sooner for comparison, but she wanted anti-creepy assurance.

Fortunately while I waited for her, or rather for me to pass the anti-creep tests, both of our pseudo potential dates crashed. Both ended up being more annoying than amusing. I have no idea why I put up with 4 weeks of tests and continued to wait, but I did. After staring at my inbox for weeks and a few phones calls I got my wish. She called on Wednesday and set a date for Friday night. We’d get coffee, meet her friends at a homemade art opening and end the night at a dance club. This date was a mutual booty call, infused with a strong line of expect to work for it. Think we were both ready to pull this dance of ours into the physical, but only if no one got creepy. The three part date was an agreed upon, extensive creep test.

Sleeping is not something I remember doing at all Thursday night, but somehow Friday I felt energized. I wasn’t nervous, just happy. Deciding the proper clothes for the night was not the usual headache. If it was just having coffee and meeting friends, the possibilities of bad choices was much larger. But dancing, I hadn’t been dancing in so long my choices were limited. Limited to a few items that still fit and by the number of years it has been since I danced. My clothes weren’t quite old enough to be back in style so I had to rely on the basics. Black jeans, leather belt with a solid, colored, no-pocket t-shirt tucked in and draped with a dress shirt worn open and untucked. What to wear on my feet?

Sneaks even brandy new clean sneaks are offensive for a date. Good for softball but, not for dancing. Yes, the wrong foot wear could blow it. The night’s attire was topped off, or rather bottomed off with a pair of ugly men’s dress shoes. The shoes were toned down a bit by leaving them not completely polished. Shiny clean men’s shoes say interview, not hot date. While worn, broken in shoes say “I’ve been there, but I’m here now. Are you with me?” Someone told me this little outfit of mine made me look like an artist. True or not it worked for me. The second biggest booty call crasher is lack of confidence. Even if I didn’t look great I had to think I did. Trust me the rest can falter, but not the shoes.

I decided to do this date without any meds or back up meds. I usually take one of everything to counteract any potential stress related symptoms. Then I’d bring an emergency pack with me, Tums, Zantacs, Imodium and even a couple Advil. But I had been trying to wean myself off of the growing agoraphobic behavior. I wasn’t agoraphobic, just getting used to being at home. I worked from home and management a large percentage of my social life online. Going out was stressful. Did I mention I just moved to Brooklyn about 4 months before this date?

I hopped the Q one stop to 7th Ave and walked down Union to the Tea Lounge. Pulled out my phone, it was early. Damn, already I wished those backup meds were in my pocket. Sitting and waiting for her was not going to be good for my insides. Relax; breathing exercises and walking always work. Plenty of time for a trip up a few blocks and back, the worse that could happen is I’d be a few minutes late.

more later....

Oh I used to be disgusted
and now I try to be amused.
But since their wings have got rusted,
you know, the angels wanna wear my red shoes
~ Red Shoes, Elvis Costello

14th Annual Drag King Contest

2009-08-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

Where was I over the weekend? I was at the 14th Annual San Francisco Drag King Contest. Events like these are fun to attend and a good way to meet people. See if there is anyone else by themselves and go talk to them. No one likes sitting or standing all by them self at an event and most will welcome a little chat. Don't be creepy!

Do not approach all smarmy. Act like you are talking to a new person at work. My line was, “Do you know any of the performers?" The first person I talked to went on about how she got to the show and why she was there. The next two people I tried to talk to said nothing or grumbled and looked away.

The last time worked the best. She replied no, but then added just enough to start a little conversation. She may have thought I was trying to pick her up since after my girl friend popped over for a minutes she was much more talkative. It is much easier to talk to someone if you have a friend around too. It just looks less like a pick up. Even single people get a little leery if someone alone starts talking to them. Again, don’t be forward, just make a friend. Like I said yesterday, don’t ask for too much information. The only intention is to meet people. Always be willing to create a wider social circle.

That aside, Sister Roma from the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Inc emceed. Long time ago student group I was in and the Sisters passed out condoms at the University of San Francisco, a Jesuit Catholic school. Security kicked us off campus, and then tried to expel the students involved, but that’s another story. Fudgie Frottage fronted the show and the band Thee Merry Widows opened. Thee Merry Windows, think Siouxsie & The Banshees meets Heart with a little Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. We met Nishone, the lead guitarist, who was really cool. Good times. The best drag performance was by Fella Fem. Not sure who won, it was a long day after a long drive so we booked early.

San Francisco Drag King 2009

Here's another piece of advice, only date people who have read a different set of books than you have read, it will save you lots of time in the library.
~ Tony Kushner

I was approach by a Creepy

2009-08-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

Last week I met someone who seemed like a fun person to get to know better. We talked for 10-15 minutes, the conversation was pretty light, not flirty. I told them I had a girlfriend.

Before they left they offered me their card. Since I was out of my cards I agreed to email. Swapping business cards (business email and phone) is pretty standard these days without any hidden intent. A few days later I emailed my phone number.

This is a normal exchange when people meet and think they might want to get together again for business or even just socially. I was thinking maybe a chat over some coffee. Yes, same rules apply here as they do for dating. I don't really know this person. Here is the response I received.

Thanks for your info but can you be a dear and send a little more info so that I can update my files.

1. Address (for stalking purposes)
2. Date of birth (for vanity purposes)
3. Home phone number (for heavy breathing purposes)

I also need to know what types of E-Mails you prefer or are you open to pretty much anything.
...

WTF! I just met this person and they want my home address, my birthday and home phone? This is very creepy. Not too mention, what about the less than funny jokes in parenthesis? Maybe that would be funny between friends, but again we just met.

Do you wonder why this is creepy? First birthdays and addresses are often used to steel identities. No, I honestly don't believe that was the intent, but again we've only talked for 10 minutes. The mail also included the really creepy items:

- little more info so that I can update my files
- what types of E-Mails you prefer or are you open to pretty much anything

What! You're keeping some sort of file on me? That just sounds creepy. The question for what types of emails, makes me nervous too. What does "are you open to pretty much anything" mean?

Be Alert. Although, this note may have been sent without any bad intentions, there are some serious boundary issues being crossed already. See a red flag, run.

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything
~ Oscar Wilde

Offline for the weekend

2009-08-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have a client that will require some work over the weekend again. Tuesday is probably the soonest I'll be back online. Any feedback, comments and criticism on the reunion story welcomed.

The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
~ Robert Benchley

Sydney part 5 (end - lesson)

2009-08-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

We take that first tentative kiss. I move my hand up her neck into the sweet little spot just behind the ear. Pulling her in close we kiss again. "Is this ok?," I asked. She starts a conversation mostly with herself.

"I don't' even know what we're doing. Not you and me I mean me and..."

I finish for her so she doesn't have to say the girl's name, "The one in Atlanta?"

"Yes. It's not like we are exclusive and the last time she came up to visit it was ok. I went down to visit her and it was awful. I think she is dating other people. I mean I know I could. There was never any, we left it open. I mean the distance and ...I don't want to get into anything serious."

"I'm not looking for serious. I'm not looking to take you away, for a girlfriend. I'm not looking past the next few hours."

"So it would be ok with you if we just," her voice trails off.

"We can do whatever you want to do. No expectations, not for tomorrow or even tonight."

"I don't want you to think that I'm leading you on."

"You're not."

"Ok, I better call my parents and tell them I won't be home tonight."

She's staying with them for the reunion and I'm thinking oh no. They better not be at the door with a gun when I bring her home.

It slowly starts sinking in I'm taking home, this girl. The girl who used to live behind me. The girl who stopped talking to me. The girl who played "The Entertainer" on the piano in the Theater in the Round at Duddley. It was after I played the equivalent of crappy chopsticks. I leaned over and told my friend, "that's a hard song to play." When I tried to tell her that I was impressed she said, "Oh that's an easy song." The girl who I thought didn't like me was now coming home to my bed. I'm such an ass, but it works.

We get to my place and as usual I get things started quickly. The longer you wait and talk the more women will start to reconsider. I undress first. I figure if they stay after that it'll be a nice night. It was a very nice night.

Now don't expect a blow by blow description of what happened. Some I remember and some I don't. It's the general feeling of the night that I remember most. A little talking, a little reassuring and lots of healing. I didn't sleep that night, instead I watched her sleep. I wasn't ready to admit it, and wouldn't be for a few months, but I had met my match.

What I told Polly came true. "I'll be out (of Rochester) in 6 months, or die." In just under 6 months I moved to Brooklyn, right around the corner from her. We "dated" briefly but it ended on my second visit to Brooklyn. Not sure if dating is the right word. We talked on the phone a lot after that night, I went to her place under the guise of an interview with Google. I did have the interview, but who's shitting who?

Sometime around November I went back again to scope out apartments. I had secured a job with a local company back in Rochester that allowed remote workers. With offer letter, credit report and references in hand I spent my days sitting in K-Dogs calling up about apartments and my nights with her. Before I left I was on a waiting list for a studio apt right next to the Q line. The last night it ended. We ended. Her reason could be many, but I think it was because it became obvious I was moving into town. It might have become real.

Real, that we were no closer to being in the same place now, 20 years later, than we were back then. She was still the girl people knew and liked, playing her flute and her piano. I was still on the fringe, my piano books long forgotten, hanging with the boys.

She'll hate me for saying this but... Sitting in Cafe Enduro she said, once I moved to Brooklyn I'd get acclimated and be a real New Yorker soon. Then the woman across the table, a good looking woman at that, said, "She looks like she lives here now, like she has lived here. Fits right in." Pointing to my now, psuedo-ex, "You still look new."

"I've been here over 10years. What do I look like?"

Without even a second thought, "You look like a woman from the suburbs who drives a Volvo station wagon with two kids and a dog." That's when I knew the break up was for the best. We had given and received what we needed from each other. She would again live behind me, but this time we'd be friends.

lesson: I think I made the most common Lesbian dating mistake. I dated someone I looked up to. We should have known from the start we'd get along better as friends then dating. You'll see this repeated in my dating adventures. Before you date, be in touch with yourself, what you expect and what you want. I wasn't being honest with myself.

Other flags I missed: When we started this dance she was in a situation most dating sites list as "it's complicated."

Flag she missed: I was willing to "date" someone in the "it's complicated" category.

You want a ring? I got a ring for ya. In my bathtub.
- Stanley
from the movie: The Lords Of Flatbush

Sydney part 4

2009-08-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

I sit there for minute and she continues to text. No response. Well I guess that is my answer. I start the truck and head towards her house. Before we get out of the parking lot she pauses a minute to say she heard my question.
"I haven't talked to my... I don't know what she is, but I haven't talked to her in days."

I don't say anything and keep driving while she continues to text. I hate to say it, but Romeo Void's song in is in my head, "...But there’s somethin' in your eyes that says maybe." I totally admit. I'm guilt free about my actions. Not that long ago I wouldn't have dreamed to pull such a stunt. Pushing for a one night stand, yeah sure after the break up. No problem, but with someone who obviously is dating someone, this is a bit new.

I'd like to say it's because she has already told me they aren't exclusive. The other girl is dating other people. She is pretty sure she is. Honestly, I didn't really care. We were both in long relationships a few years ago. I don't think she is totally over hers, but I was over mine. It was one of those long-termers that afterward, your ex tells you she hadn't been in love with you for the last 4 out of 6 years.

My ex was working fill-time (more than 40hrs/week) and going to school. Like most Gay women couples, the sex started to wane until once a month. Things were great for way longer than could normally be expected. But soon once a month was about all I could expect. Once a month turned to once ever few months. Damn I tried, but after a while you totally lose confidence. Really hard to approach sex when the pressure is on. I'd think, maybe, just maybe, if I'm really good my punishment will end.

It is possible I killed it. At one point I looked at her on the way to work and said, "This can't go on forever. I know we are both working long ass hours. I know you're stressed from school an everything, but I'm not going to be in a sexless relationship. "

Not sure what I said after that, but it included that when she graduates I expect things to change. She balked at the ultimatum. I gave her 3 months after graduation. By that time it was probable already to late. Our sex was as if we were both awkward teenagers. But as I usually do, I hung on. Accepted the excuses, but somewhere I knew it was over.

I lost my job. She lost her's. She started at least trying to date other people. I passed it off as stress. She came home really drunk one night. Her friend had to give her a ride home. Something was up, but I was not ready to admit to the obvious. I could tell nothing happened, but she never got this drunk. Not sure anyone does unless there is an emotional struggle that needs removing.

Anyway, it ended three years ago. I had lost all belief in forever. Not that I was a big believer before, but at some point I did look at her and thought, "Wow I can see myself with this woman forever." Within hours after we broke up that hope died again. My rule of never going near someone about to break up had disappeared. I didn't want anyone for more than a few hours anyways.

I'm still driving. She turned to me, "I said I heard you, I just don't know what to do."

"It's ok, I'm taking you back to your place."

"I'm not sure that is what I want. Can we pull over? I need to, I need to talk, I need to ...just pull over somewhere dammit. I know a place. I have to, I need more ...some time."

We pull over in a playground parking lot. Without a hint of guilt, but with a hint of honesty, "Listen, I know things aren't going well with you two. We don't have to do anything."

"Can I kiss you first?"

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
~ Ingrid Bergman

Burn rubber, not your soul, baby

2009-08-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry about pausing the reunion. I'm writing it before each post not cutting and pasting from a pre-written narrative. I blog on the top of my head.

I started my first blog in '99ish. I think back then you had to install it your self. Honestly I don't remember. I do remember blowing away the whole thing every now and then. Sometimes by accident. If it truly is a personal blog sometimes it's a good idea to just start over. The last time I killed my blog was after me and the ex broke up. The relationship lasted 6yrs. I has during th break up and some things that were written needed to be cleared out. I had a blog and she started a blog with her new girlfriend. People we knew would read both blog. Every break up, includes differing opinions on what happened.

I probably wouldn't not have noticed most of the discrepancies in our versions of the break up if it were for her girl friend. She was a little more bent on having the truth out there. At least I think her version was more honest. Again, no bad feelings exist. Well ok, I hold a few resentments. She dumped me. hehe Break up resentments live long. Similar to a resentment against the bully that pushed you down in front of the girl you liked in 1st grade. hehe But again, words and actions done in the death throws of a relationship can't be weighed to heavily.

Anyway, I still speak to the ex but haven't in a while. We are Facebook friends. hehe Yeah who really talks to even 20% of their Facebook friends. No real reason for us not really being in touch. We worked together while I was finishing up my graduate project and afterward. The last time we were in close contact she was going through some shit. The kind that I wasn't sure she should be talking to an ex about. We agreed.

The contact picked up again after she got a new motorcycle and went to a track day. A dream of both of ours. I had sold my bike to help pay for a move. It's a bit hard to talk about motorcycles when you don't have one. The final damper hit when I got laid off. No motorcycle no daily contact via work ...maybe I should pop her a line.

Shit, I was going to talk about Tai Chi, but this post is more proper. This weekend I'm working. First on a project for pay. Second reading Stephen King's book On Writing again. Killing the passive voice.

Midnight bugs taste best.
~ Author Unknown

Post Title:
Burn rubber, not your soul, baby.
~ Craig Fernandez and Reggie Bythewood, Biker Boyz

Sydney part 3

2009-08-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

Before she drops me off at my apartment she asks, "Will you take me to the reunion?" I think we should drive separately. She knows more people. I was catching spitballs in study hall with my hair. Plus being the token dyke has perks. "I heard you’re, you know. I’m totally cool with that. So like, if you an another girl want to, you know, I'd totally be up for it." Thanks Brian!

She says she wants me to hold her hand. Who isn't snagged when a women says she needs you? I agree. I say ok it's a date. She just smiles, "7pm."

6:46pm. I feel like shit, like a nasty body function is about to occur. Am I nervous about her or the reunion? I have to cancel. Shit, piss, no I can't. I take a bunch of stomach aid type pills, tablets, then out the door and into my truck.

I hope she is ready to go, remember how her mom loved me? I walk up the steps and knock on the door. Mom answers. She’s thinking she shouldn't let her daughter play with me. Of course little butch is not ready. Into the kitchen to chat and great, Dad is here too.

The woman shows. It's a formal dinner. I was expecting boyishly cute but got very causal, cute but casual. Why do most dykes have absolutely no fashion sense? Ok, no one said you have to be on the cover of Vogue, but it wouldn’t hurt to admit we are never going to get our athletic bodies back. Buy some damm pants that fit! No pleats please. BTW, her pants did fit, I'm just saying...

At the door we meet a nervous girl whow as one of the many not enthralled with my uniqueness in school. However, the older version saved me from boredom most of the night. Oh, I forgot to mention my date did not confirm she was willing to go to the reunion until the day before. Since I never bought an advanced ticket there is no name tag with my senior year pic. I had the blank tag usually reserved for spouses. No one remembers my name and without the pic most never will.

It's a polite, but awkward night. I spent time standing next to my "date" while she talked. After a while I went back to the table then our true class hotty, Polly, came over. She was better looking than the "beautiful people" and her nose wasn’t a single millimeter in the air back then.

She leaned in, "Can you believe no one left Rochester?" I tell her actually I’m still here too, but I did live in San Francisco for a while. She smiles, she is living there now. I tell I just finished grad school and job hunting. I'll be out in 6 months, or die. We dished about how everyone was pregnant, very Romey & Michelle’s High school Reunion.

My date returns. I move behind her and give her a little hug and hold her there. She doesn’t move away and I don’t let go, until someone calls her over to the bar.
Finally it was time to go and we’re sitting in my truck. She is on the phone with her on again off again long distance girlfriend. I say, "So am I taking you home, or am I taking you home?"

I might like you better
If we slept together
But there’s somethin
In your eyes that says
Maybe that’s never
Never say never
~ the song: Never Say Never by Romeo Void

SoulGeek - dating for SciFi, RPG fans

2009-08-05T17:10:00.001-07:00

I just got and email for a dating site called SoulGeeks. I haven't joined, but did a few searches. Technically the free membership is required to search members, but I found a an easy hack.

If you're into Battlestar Gallactica, World of Warcraft, Star Trek, on and offline comics, RPG or those games where people run around a park dressed as Knights this may be the only site to find your "soul geek" who speaks Klingon. The site also offers events, SciFi news, forums and more. There are probably other sci fi fan sites, but this is the first one I've come across.

They have a singles meet-up event with Battlestar Galactica’s RICHARD HATCH this weekend.

You can join for free. The paid membership is only $10. Can't beat that with a tribble!

Bones: It is a human characteristic to love small furry animals.
~ from "Star Trek" The Trouble with Tribbles (1967)

Sidney part 2

2009-08-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

Saturday morning my friend Cheryl calls, "Morning, is anyone with you?"

"Cheryl, don’t be stupid."

Responding with a loud laugh, "You forget I know you. I saw that smile on your face when she agreed to ‘go walking down Park Ave.’ Let’s all get some breakfast."

I hold the phone away from me and move it across the room, "See, see there is no one here, but Monkey (my cat)." Another call beeps in. Cheryl can hear the pause in the phone, "That’s her isn’t it? Ok, bye." I accept the call; an hour later the two of us are driving to Charlotte beach. An old memory came up.

Her family lived behind mine. As kids we played together. One day after band tryouts I walked over to her house and she totally ignored me. She and another girl were playing their new instruments. I didn’t make band. Thinking since I didn’t have an instrument I’d just come back another day, but she kept ignoring me. I always wondered why so I asked her if she remembered what happened. Did I do something wrong? She said she didn’t remember but her mom probably had something to do with it.

"That’s totally possible. If someone teased me I said, 'That’s the first strike, two more and I’ll hit you.'"

She throws a flirty smile, "Those boys kept teasing past the 3rd strike?"

"Exactly, then BAM, they’re lying on the ground, sometimes with a bloody nose. Soon parents didn’t let me play with their kids."

She asked, "Were you a bully?"

"No, I stuck up for other kids getting teased too. Remember little Billy always getting pushed down by Dale? He was older but always stopped before three. I heard his older brothers told him to stand up to me."

"And you sent him home crying with a bloody nose."

"Just that one time, but after that, parents didn’t let me near their daughters. Wow, never thought of that before! I was still allowed to play with the boys, just not the girls."

That led into a talk about gender issues. She mentioned "Genderqueer." I never heard of it. In Rochester there‘s only butch, femme, and then other. Butch is based on looks. A butchy looking girl that’s girly is still called butch. She explained how Genderqueer is about identity not looks. "Do you identify more masculine or feminine?"

Really tired of this question, I looked down and started my canned speech. "I don’t want to be a man and don’t feel like a woman either. I have no issues with my body or feel the need to change it. Although, if I could pee standing up, that'd rawk!"

Laughing she announced, "You’re Genderqueer!"

"I don’t know what I am. I’m just me, but it seems to bother others."

"You should move to New York City."

Most human beings are driven to seek security and comfort. But there is another group that can only thrive on change and the unexpected of New York.

~ Cathleen Nesbit

Sydney part 1

2009-08-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

All posts marked "my adventures in dating" are part story and part true to life.

Me and Kathy Stappenbeck in High School
- one of many "try to look like a rock star" pics we used to take all the time

True Story…

My high school reunion was coming up and I didn’t want to be the only Queer. I contacted a girl from high school and asked if she was going. We hadn’t been in contact or even friends back then and she was currently living in Brooklyn. She came into town and I invited her to “Friday Night Coffee,” a weekly get together with my friends. Most have known me for 10+years.

Friday night came and my friends were all asking about her. I had no idea what she even looked like now. As I sat there in the Starbucks at 12 corners, I was glad I followed my first date rule, even thought it was not a date. Then my friend Randy leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That’s her.”

No clue how he knew but I turned around and there she was all cute looking. A slender girl in tight jeans, not too tight, a shiny black wind-breaker and fedora-ish hat sat down next to me. I know, sounds butch, but she was more in-between, genderqueer. We didn’t really hit it off at first, but she had a good talk with one of my friends. Another reason why the group setting works, people often judge people by the friends they keep. Although, we didn’t talk much she had fun.

Anyway, after coffee I asked her if she wanted to walk around Park Ave. We walked around Park Ave, catching up, swapping coming out stories. We started to hit it off and I was getting a feeling there was a mutual attraction. When the night ended I was tempted to kiss her, but even it if was mutual I knew it was too soon. The reunion was the next night and I didn’t want to risk making the next day awkward.

~~More next week…~~
I meant "to be continued," as in today. I'm writing up the next part now.

Well, I like art, I work in a gas station, my best friend is a tomboy. These things don't fly too well in the American high school.
~ Some Kind of Wonderful (movie)

My Old Profiles

2009-08-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

I found the text of some older profiles. Thought I would post them and see if you have any comments.

from Tangowire
I live a simple life in a studio in the city with my very active cat, working for myself and finishing grad school. I have few regrets in my past, and try to keep my eye on the future without worrying exactly where it might lead. I value brutal honesty above all else and kindly accept any & all opinions and criticism if offered with intelligence. Am willing to agree to disagree, but will completely ignore incompetent arguments. (And incompetent people)

I can often be found laughing at others and myself with friends at local coffee joints. I’d rather laugh over coffee and a smoke than sit at the bar trying to figure out what year people came out by their haircuts. You’re more likely to catch me rummaging in used CD and used book stores than window shopping in the mall. I’ll flirt with almost anyone and anything, and try to keep my criticisms although occasionally biting, permeated with good intentions and humor.

from Match
...Last serious relationship was 6 years and the past 3 yrs, since I was in school and planned on moving upon graduation, I haven’t gotten into anything to serious. Now that I’ve moved, I’m still in no hurry to play house again. Looking for friends, then worry about where things go later.

Just be able to laugh at others and yourself, and be comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to be a beauty queen, but a total lack of self confidence is just as annoying as a big ego. In time maybe we'll find each other's quirks and neuroses adorable, if not, then hopefully tolerable enough that we stay friends. *hehe*

Looking for some one to wander around Prospect Park, meet for coffee, ...loved to go to MOMA, find a good gym, place to spar, a new dojo, maybe even play pool. Always up for looking at used CDs or books.

...Lastly, must have a sense of humor, mine is a little off-center.

Why did I have these saved? I used to change my profile every week or so. When I left the same text and pictures up for weeks I got no bites at all. Once I started changing up the text I got different people looking. Especially if you change your main profile pic a few times. Even if you see a new pic gets lots of views, if you're not getting any responses might as well change it. It's not working.

Calvin: "I'm never gonna get married. Are you?"
Hobbes: "Hmm...I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pooty Pie'."
Calvin: "POOTY PIE?"
Hobbes: "Or bitsy pookums."
Calvin: "I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart."
Hobbes: "Bitsy pookums I'd say. Yes snoogy woogy, she'd reply..."
~ Bill Watterson

Get around the Email requirement

2009-07-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

If you're dating subscription expired, there are other ways to contact people. I used the same profile name for Tangowire as I did for mySpace and Yahoo360. Then via those sites someone could contact me.

Remember I suggested creating a free email account for the dating sites? If your profile name is GirlinRed then create GirlinRed@yahoo. In return if you get a wink you can try to send them an email using their profile name. Keep it short, since it might not be them. Just a sentence or two and wait for a response. If no response then drop it. You can assume it's not her.

"Saw a profile on match.com with this same user ID and was wondering if this is your email. I'm CoffeeGirl."

If you'd rather not give out your mySpace ID there are lots of accounts you can create that will come up in a search. If you search on "agirlcalledjim" my Last.fm page comes up.

Bit of a warning: When I search google with my old yahoo ID, lots of things came up. I used that ID for years.

The search results:
Photobucket profile - with access to photos
Amazon.com profile - items I reviewed (one was a learn how to play guitar vid)
Harmony (music site) - review of a guitar I bought 10 years ago
Yahoo profile
Yahoo group posts (yes links to individual posts)
- one post was from 2000 on a board I don't remember even joining (but it was my post)

Lastly if you do use the same name for everything might want to search yourself. Also check the profile settings, most profiles, including yahoo, default to being searchable. Be sure to hide your profiles if you'd rather not be found or have some account be hidden. I've deleted my main account from some msg boards then re-joined with a new one that has no info about me then made it hidden if possible. For yahoo select the tab called account "settings," others like Facebook use "Privacy."

As long as one keeps searching, the answers come
~ Joan Baez

Match vs Connexion vs Tangowire vs eHar-phobic part II

2009-07-21T15:20:00.001-07:00

If you read the comments, Emily asked why I chose Match, Connexion and Tangowire. My response became too long to add as just a comment. I picked those 3 since they offer the 3 biggests difference, price, membership count and gay-friendliness.

Everyone seems to try Match first and if you are in a smaller town it may be your only real choice. You have to really work it since there are so many fields and "match points," but it is popular.

Connexion was picked since it is definitely more gay friendly and it is one of the few sites that offers all features for free. I also forgot to add they have a certification process. The person in the photo is real. (shh I'll update the review below)

Tangowire offers lots of groups to help target potential matches. It's not free but cheaper than Match. I used it to find other motorcyclists and it was great for me in Brooklyn.

I'll repeat again, these are just 3 of the sites I've used, but you really need to first do a few searches. See how many people are in your area and at a distance you're willing to travel. Also confirm there are a few people you want to contact otherwise try another site.

Feel free to request a site for me to review. I'm more than happy to create a profile and look around. I'm also in contact with people actually using sites now for dating that provide me with updates.

Regarding eHarmony: They were ordered to create a Gay-friendly dating site. The order was part of the settlement arising from a discrimination lawsuit filed in New Jersey. I refuse to add a link to either site. Spend your Gay money elsewhere.

See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky?

~ Signs, M. Night Shyamalan

Dating Sites the Good, the bad and ugly

2009-07-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

Match.com:
The only thing you can do is wink unless you pay for a subscription and each person has to subscribe.

It can be agreed that if someone is too cheap to pay $20-$30 to look for a date/girlfriend for a few months then they can't afford to be dating. The cost for a few months is anbout the same as one dinner out. Dating is going to cost a lot more than $19.99 over 6 months.

The biggest draw for Match is it probably has a very large membership. In most cities you'll find the largest selections of members on Match.

Connexion:
This allows you to contact each other without any subscription. It is more Gay friendly offering options like female, male, FTM, MTF. Connexion has 2 options I've never seen before, HIV status and Outness. Another big plus for Connexion is their certification process confirms the photo is of the person in the profile. (update added 7/21/09)

Another bonus is you can use HTML in your long answer sections and the spell checker is included. In place of the usual pre-set options for activities is a blank field. Selecting the generic "martial arts" is less informative than being able to specify you like Japanese Aikido, the Kokikai style.

The let down is the number of members is rather limited, but again it's free. Why not create a profile and start contacting people?

TangoWire:
Tangowire is my favorite and not only since it's where I've had the best luck. It has the best options to fill out a profile. For looks they have everything from model to nerdy to leather. Under body type there's "swimmer's build" which a lot of people fall under. A nice midway between athletic and tone, which is read as buff and cut and average which is read as a little pudgy. A swimmer is not buff, but still in shape. Tango has options for 420'ers and recovering alcoholics.

The only downers for non-members are you can't send the first email or see the large about me text sections. Non-members can still view the basics, plus 19 other categories from turn ons to favorite movies and all photos. You can't beat that! And there is more, non-members can reply to any emails from a premium member.

OK, non-members have to sit and wait for prince/ess charming to email first, but at least when there is a knock, you can open the damm door! Tango also allows you to search or join specific groups like bikers, card gamers, video gamers and short people. Create one profile then activate it on any of their other sites. Join Big and Beautiful Women, Lesbian only or Nascar fans @ tangowire.

General Stuff:
Again, before joining any site, search profiles. If you don't find at least 4 or 5 people worth contacting don't join. Don't give up, just keep checking back to look for new people and keep trying other sites. Hint, the memberships always shoot up around March. Just long enough after the holidays for people to decide to get on with their personal life and a little before swim suit season starts.

i search your profile
for a translation
i study the conversation
like a map
'cause i know there is strength
in the differences between us
and i know there is comfort
where we overlap

~ Overlap, Ani DiFranco (warning site has sound playing)

I know she's singing about a different profile but it works. :P

HOW TO: Commenting with name and no email/link

2009-07-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me this just today, and I figured others might want to know. How do you comment with just a name, but no link or email? If you want to just leave a name when commenting select Name/URL. Then two fields will appear. One to enter in a name (you can make up something). Blogger doesn't require an email or URL of a web site.

You can still comment anonymously, but it would be cool if you left a name so I can follow your comments and so can other readers. :P

If you didn't see the last comment I'll be reviewing dating specific sites next week. So far I just did an overview of friend finder sites like Facebook. I'm planning on looking at Tangowire, Match and maybe Chemistry.

If there are others you'd like me to look at, just let me know.

The problem with losing your anonymity is that you can never go back.
~ Marla Maples

Fighting Fair

2009-07-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

This is a good topic even if you aren't currently dating. Most of us get in stupid fights with our friends too. Use them for practice. A few rules I've learned that really help.

No Comment
First is "no comment," not everyone needs to hear your thoughts. Often when someone is talking to you they really aren't asking for help. They are only asking to be heard. You can't disagree if there aren't any conflicting thoughts.

Not Listening
Second, admit when you aren't listening. This happens to me a lot. My GF will be talking to me about something, but I'm really watching the tv or writing this blog. At some point she'll ask "aren't you even listening?" This is when you really should respond with, "I'm sorry, but no I wasn't." Then you need to get off your chair, turn off the tv, stop posting or txt'ing and go listen to her. I strongly advise to avoid saying you'll be there in a minute. We both know you won't. She's just caught you, so best to fess up and go sit down now. She'll still be pissy, but less so since you are sitting in front of her.

A side note, it's better if you can catch yourself not listening before she does. Again, start off with an apology then you may be able to ask if this can wait. It's she trying to do one of those discussions about your relationship and you really can't hear it right now, tell her.

But, you have to tell her why too. "Listen, I've got to get this work done before tmr. I'm not trying to weasel out but I really won't be able to listen and pay attention right now." Then of course you need to set a time to talk, don't miss it and pay full attention. If you planned to talk after dinner the next night, mention it during dinner so she knows you didn't forget. Then the next time you ask to wait she'll trust you more. Also, with any luck she won't be as mad and the 911 factor will have cooled.

I've been there
Last rule, don't say you understand her problem by bringing up times where you have gone through something similar. I always think it will help but it often only makes things bad, very bad. It can start a competition as to whose situation was worse. "My boss was an ass today too, she ..." If you don't try to one-up each other, it still pulls attention from her. Again she is upset and wants to be heard. By bringing up your life, next thing you know, you're doing all the talking. Probably explaining what you did, and telling her what to do. BUZZ wrong answer see number one. "No Comment."

I like to do all the talking myself. It saves time, and prevents arguments.
~ Oscar Wilde

What online service to use?

2009-07-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many social networking and online dating sites, it is easy to get confused as to which one is best for you. Should you use Planet Sappho, Match, Tango wire or Connexions? If you want to find friends, or at least you really want a solid friendship before dating I suggest a social networking group over the usual dating site. I think the hot one today is Facebook. MySpace is falling out of favor, especially with anyone over 30-35 years old. Yahoo360 is already closing and Orkut is pretty much dead.

Many social networking sites like Facebook include groups that you can join. I'm member of "Lez Angeles." With a little searching you can find a group where you'll fit in.

Also outside the main social networking groups there are interest specific message boards and networks that aren't necessarily Gay but always have Gay members. I've been in message boards for Ducati Monsters Owners, Japanese Karate and vintage bicycles. Look in meetups, yahoo groups or interest specific message boards.

There are also Gay message boards like Pink Banana, She Magazine and PlanetOut. The memberships are free then start commenting regularly on various posts or articles on the site. The more you comment them more other members will start to know you. Also as you read other member's comments you may find one or two people you find interesting. This makes taking the next step, contacting someone directly, a little easier.

Facebook

MeetUp

Pink Banana World

Yahoo Group (note Yahoo groups may be down Wed July 8th)
She Magazine

Having just spent another morning of my life reading the most boring details of other people's mornings, I've realized how very little things like Twitter, FaceBook, or FriendFeed actually contribute to one's life: it's more like sitting in a room full of over-caffeinated narcissistic Tourette's patients with ADHD who are all trying to be the most entertaining. And, really, what's so social about a monologue?
~ Katherine Berry at Pajamas Media

In the coming weeks I'll explore some of the various online dating sites from straight but Gay friendly to Lesbian to Butch/Femme specific and any in between.

What if she's cheating?

2009-06-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

This comes up in every relationship. My pat answer is if you don't trust her the relationship is over. Regardless if anyone is cheating or not it will ultimately result in a break up. If she is cheating then there is not much of a relationship. She is not happy and just delaying the break up or she can't do it and waiting for you to dump her. If she is not cheating, but you keep wrongly accusing her, again it will result in a breakup. If you really feel she is cheating, it doesn’t matter if she is or not.

Many of my relationships ended with infidelity. I was stupid and knew it was going on, but often continued to tell myself it was not. I accepted all the lies and even when people tried to tell me I regurgitated the excuses I was given right back.
Another time I was the cheater. I admitted I cheated but I couldn’t admit I was with the wrong girl. I really don’t think what I did was any better. I was still not being honest.

There maybe people who disagree and said they were able to get through a time of infidelity. Maybe if there are extenuating circumstances, but in my experience cheating is the coward’s way of breaking up.

When the light goes out in the bedroom, the one in the living room is sure to follow
~ my brother (let me know if someone else actually said this first)

Best First Dates

2009-06-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

I always advise to avoid the one on one first date. It's awkward and hard to relax. Get a friend or two together and ask her to do the same. Many people would rather not bring their new girlfriend around their friends at first. But she's not your girlfriend. This is a pre-date, or what I like to call the troll test.

Everyone can lie online, some can lie in person but it's harder to lie in front of friends. You’ll be less likely to miss something sketchy. You’ll be hoping she is the one and miss those little flags. The little red flags you'll explain away because you love her laugh or you both like your coffee the exact same way. Did she get easily angered if the cafe was out of banana nut muffins, talk about her ex a lot or constantly make hints alluding to how much money she makes?

Lastly, meeting in a group helps if you are shy. Your friends and theirs will start talking and you can join in when you’re ready. You'll feel safer and comfortable which will let you be yourself. Of course don't bring friends who will bring up everything bad in your life during the first 15 minutes.

Keep it light, keep it fun and keep it short. You can always meet again after you compare notes.

Hopefully, as I get older in the business, I make my choices more accurately, and I perhaps know from either the script or the first meeting that it isn't going to work.
~ Ben Kingsley

LA Pride 2009

2009-06-15T14:44:00.001-07:00

Thought you'd enjoy a pic of me and the cuter-half at pride. We had a great time. Got an invite to be on the Smirnoff float. Got to walk around and see the parade before it started then danced our butts off on the float for hour+. The cover band did a bad version of Guns and Roses, but otherwise all was grand. Lots of hot guys of course with a few hot chicks mingled in.

It was a good mix of chicks, not sure if this is the environment to find a life partner, but good way to meet some people. Cute butches, dykes and baby dykes, lesbians and everything in between, just plain good looking queers for every taste. *snicker* Think I spotted a few genderqueers, but we blend in. I got a few winks from Gay guys, but then a pout when they read "Dyke" on my crown. Thank you to anyone who cheered even though my dancing was less than awesome.

Definitely a good place to go with some friends. If you go with the expectation to have fun and meet some interesting women, and men you'll have a great time.

Only bad part was at the end of the day we had a 2+ mile walk back to the car.

I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?
~ Margaret Cho

2009-06-13T13:50:00.001-07:00

I was going over this blog with a friend and noticed she was not able to comment. I've just changed the settings removing the requirement of logging with with an AIM, Google, OpenID or etc account.

Sorry about that you can email too.
sensei.cher@gmail.com

The function of criticism should be to show how it is what it is, even that it is what it is, rather than to show what it means.
~ Susan Sontag

... don't ask me I just needed a quote.

Dating Profile pics - Photo License revoked

2009-06-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm late again. Chalk it up to the cat who thinks she can fly. Damn thing decided to take a flying leap off the fridge to the counter and missed. Fortunately nothing is broken she just pulled a muscle, but of course it took 3 hours and $370 to find out she's ok. UGH.

Anyway, Was going to go post about off-line dating, but I was asked more questions about posting pictures.

BAD

No old photos: You can go back a year or two as long as you look like the picture being posted. No major weight loss or gains, and best if your hair is the same color. Yes, we all want to look good, but this person is going to meet you someday. We hope. Do you really want them to walk into the cafe and start out the date disappointed before you've said a single word? Especially with online dating, you need to be as upfront as possible. There is a lot of trust being put out there just to try online dating, make it easier for the people who meet you to like you, not harder.

No drinking photos: You may just be at a party having a few beers or a glass of wine, but posting pics of yourself drinking is often construed as you're a party girl. You can have pics from a party with a few friends in the shot, just keep the glass/bottles out of the shot and definitely not in your hand. Not putting a drink down to take a shot doesn't look right.

No photos that show an address or license plate: License plates especially leave open an easy way for someone to find out a lot about you. There are online sites that will give anyone information, just like the reverse phone number look-ups.

First & Last Name
• Current Phone Number
• Current Address
• Current email address
• Registration Date
• Expiration date
• Make & Model of Vehicle
• VIN Number
• Title Number
• Lien holder name
• Driving Records
• DUI Records
• DMV Records
• Background Check
• Criminal Records History
• Court Records & Lawsuits
• Inmate & Prison Locator
• Arrests & Mugshot Records
• Parolee & Bail Records
• Sex Offenders & Location
• Unclaimed Money
• Bankruptcy Records & Liens
• Property Records
• Birth, Death & Marriage
• Passenger Records
• Cemetery Records
• Newspaper Obituaries
• Census Records
• Family People Search
• Military War Records
• Adoption Records
• Vital Records
• Email Address Search
• SSN Verification
• Voter Verification
and more...

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
~ Ellen DeGeneres

Online Dating Profiles - Look at the Face

2009-06-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

The main picture is the first image of you anyone will see. If this first picture shows any red flags it's really easy to just scroll past. Never upload a picture where there is a person partially cropped out. Whether the half person is or is not your ex that is what everyone will think. It looks like you’re not really over her. Here is an example I used.

The person cropped out is a friend, a straight girl even. But I didn't get many hits until I replaced it. The few I did all started out asking if that was my ex that was cropped out. I wonder how many women just didn’t talk to me because of the picture instead of asking. I moved the pic to the gallery and a few women I talked to even said they remembered that picture. They passed me by because they thought it was a pic of my and me ex. Not too mention they were still concerned I had a picture of me with my ex cropped out. When I explained it was just a friend, I'm not sure they believed me.

If you have to, grab a camera, a friend and go take some new shots.

[Princess Leia gets her first look at the Millennium Falcon]

You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

Online Dating Profile

2009-05-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry a little late, I took Memorial Day off. Well, that is my excuse.

There are at least, well I don't know a number, but a number of basic mistakes everyone does when creating their first online profile. First, don't write everyone else does. Your profile needs to reveal how you are different. All the answers below are taken from match.com profiles. Avoid writing...

What I like/my favorites:
cuddling, walks on the beach, dining out, staying at home on a rainy day, thunderstorms, exploring new places

My favorite spots/places:
cozy cafes, Indian restaurants, art galleries, I love New York, London, Rome.

About Me:
i really do hate all this "about me" stuff; I'm open-minded, I like nice stuff, I'm also very simple, a minimalist and chill.

Now think, does anyone really not like walks on the beach, cafes, dining out, cuddling or nice stuff? Think of all the profiles like these. Do any of these answers make an impression on you?

Next week we'll check out those photos, especially the main photo.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
~ Oscar Wilde

How to date online (contacting her)?

2009-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

First, you're not going to meet anyone waiting for them to ping you. You need to ping them. At least online, "rejection" is painless. They simply don't respond.

Here was my strategy. Every week I'd email 3 people. The first I was definitely interested in dating. The next two were "maybe" women. Their profile or pics weren't outstanding but something in the profile was attractive. Their "about me" or "hobbies/interested in" section was intriguing. Send 3 every week and in time someone will reply.

It really is fun emailing/chatting with other women who are also trying online dating. I met a few women who I never saw in person, but we chatted for months and would look at profiles together. Maybe you made a friend, maybe not but more importantly after a while you'll learn how to examine profiles better. It'll be easier to weed out the bad ones and easier to find the women worth meeting. Keep trying and have fun with it.

If you're not getting any responses, then we need to look at your profile. Check back next week.

Every time I catch myself saying, "Oh no, you shouldn't try that," I think, "Yes, I should."
~ Erica Jong (warning has sound)

Who Would Date This?

2009-05-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Often the reason we are so nervous trying to approach anyone is we are not happy with ourselves. This could be lack of: a “good” job, financial stability, education or body image.

The way you speak says more about your intelligence/education than the number of degrees on the wall. Reading is the best way to improve your vocabulary. I read with a dictionary next to me. Trust me sounds corny but it works.

Get a hobby that involves socializing. It doesn't have to be a sports league. Knitting clubs, book clubs and even Bonsai classes all help create a larger social circle. If you master a skill you'll feel better about yourself or at least have something to talk about.

Body image. Most women aren't looking for that perfect 10. Only the minus fivers are looking for her. The real concern is, are you healthy? Get active, go out and move, even walking once a day will make you feel better.

Don't fear moving slowly forward ...fear standing still.
~ Kathleen Harris

Where do you get your wisness? Crackerjack boxes

2009-05-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

Proof of my qualifications?
My expertise is not in knowing what to do, but in knowing what not to do.

Always trying not to repeat the last bad dating experience slowly I learned to recognize inappropriate actions, reactions and bad judgment calls.

I entered the obstacle course of Queer dating in my teens and endured 3 LTRs (long term relationships) and a buffet of dating sessions. (buffet - Bad word choice, ok just go there then come back.) I’ve dated on and off in Rochester, NY for 20 years, 2 years in San Francisco, then a year in Brooklyn / New York City and am currently in Los Angeles. I've done online dating, long distance dating and the famous lesbian "we're not-dating" dating. Over 20 years I have done every "oops" possible. For a brief period I also dispensed wisdom and wisecracks on a now deceased msg board. Now that I have a few years of online dating under my belt, successful online dating, I'm back.

I’m here to help or at least entertain. Pull up a chair, get your latte and let’s go.

Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.
~ Phyllis Theroux, Night Lights

the imperfect Sage

2009-04-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

It has been over 5 maybe over 6 years since I've dispensed advice. I've found a need for information on not only dating, but more specifically Queer dating. Even before we get to the dating many of us are a little clueless as to how online dating works. Most of the people who say it does not work, aren't working it. There is also the need for an outside opinion regarding if you should pursue or run, run, run, leave your toothbrush and just keep running.

I'm going to post my laptop philosophy about dating, my experiences and inexperiences (new word I just made up) in dating over the past, ahem, 20 yrs. I can't promise that by following my advice true love will be found. My goal is to avoid the creepy girl syndrome. You know her, the girl hitting on people awkwardly at the bar and pinging all your friends on Match/PinkSofa.com. The girl you meet once then sends you roses the next day, and you can't get rid of her. The girl you avoid and tell everyone you know, to avoid.

creepy girl can alter herself into many forms. The most well know are:
psycho bitch, crazy bitch
profile stalker, nervous non-stop talker
boring girl, not that funny girl
bitching about the ex, worst sex
TMI and roving eye.

The list is vast and growing daily, but we can avoid the creepy one and even more important learn to stop the creepiness within ourselves.

True love, great dates, hot sex aside we need to spot and kill the creepy girl out there and that lurks inside us all. Don't feel afraid or ashamed. I've dated creepy and yes, I once was creepy. Shh, but that is just between you and me! (oops no yelling)

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.
~ Jenny Mccarthy